


I Wish I Was Special

by theedgeofthedesert



Category: Glee
Genre: Depression, F/M, Friendship, Gen, Season 2 AU, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-13
Updated: 2012-06-13
Packaged: 2017-11-07 15:17:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 25,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/432567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theedgeofthedesert/pseuds/theedgeofthedesert
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A post season 2 Christmas episode Rachel centric piece. Rachel finally cracks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a Rachel centric piece that focuses on dark themes and involves elements of suicide. It's not graphic but I'm just warning you now.
> 
> Many of you might not agree with this stance I take on Rachel. If you're a fan of Finn/Rachel then I'm just warning you now-i don't depict them in a very good light. A lot of this is inspired by Radiohead's Creep and my belief that if Glee was a darker show not only would Rachel have already sung something like this but we would see more elements of her being a red alert suicide case. That talk about her funeral had the wheels turning in my head.

There's this saying that you don't know what you have until it's gone. That until someone is gone you don't understand or know their potential or worth in your life. But it's too late and there's nothing you can do about it. You'll live with this twinge of regret for never loving that person enough, encouraging them, praising them. It'll eat away at you forever and that will be your constant lesson.

Rachel Berry hopes this is true. In fact she needs it to be.

She's sitting in the tree lot waiting for her dads to pick her up and wonders if all of this would just be easier if she was gone. Then she would feel vindicated, worthy, and it scares her how far she is willing to go for the approval of Finn and the rest of the glee club. She knows for a fact that if she was dead they would grieve immensely and Finn would throw himself over her grave in desperation and regret…at least she hopes he would. She deserves that much from him.

Then again there are easier ways to gain everyone's love and devotion. Quitting glee club and transferring from McKinley seemed to work for Kurt in that aspect. Then again that plan just seems so temporary. They would expect her to come back just like they always did before. New Directions may be nothing without Rachel but it's the same the other way around. Who is she without them?

Her voice is all she has. She's abrasive, ambitious, annoying, and a host of other things but the one pure thing about her entire being is her voice. Her voice and her talent are what make her special but she, Rachel Berry is not special. And her talent isn't enough to carry her through life and that scares her.

* * *

She's feeling hopeful and she's feeling good a couple days after the tree lot incident. Dad and daddy didn't ask too many questions and maybe that's because they don't know how to deal with her problems sometimes. Her whacked out therapist that goes by the name Dr. Rubenstein served as her mentor and even she didn't know what to say sometimes. The water habit she developed from her fathers didn't do her any favors either especially since she couldn't stop wetting the bed for such a long period of time when she was younger, but the Berrys don't like to talk about this.

She's walking down the hall and thinking about how she can get Finn back (start slowly, win back his trust, win back his friendship), when she sees him and Santana laughing at her locker. It wouldn't matter if it was Finn's locker but to see him go out of his way to engage Santana cuts a knife through her.

Maybe the problem is the Santana of it all, but can you blame her? The dark haired Latina was her secret envy at times that she would never admit. People wanted Santana and they were never afraid to show it while she just felt like a badly kept secret all the time. She wished she could be like her too, with the ability to not care about anything or anyone in order to get what you wanted. An attitude like that is what makes you succeed and get to the top. Rachel used to have this ambition. She doesn't know where it went.

She stands in a corner still in viewpoint of Finn and Santana and watches as he traces her arm and gives her that small smile she would see whenever she said something he thought was cute. Santana closes her locker and Finn offers his arm as they walk down the hallway towards her.

They don't see her. Finn Hudson has officially picked Santana Lopez over her not once but twice.

She has to be better. She doesn't know how.

* * *

She starts with her body and obsessively looks over it all the time, spending hours in her underwear looking in the mirror and figuring out how to make herself look better. Her hands are so big that it's no wonder Quinn and Santana call her man hands, her bangs are so stupid that she doesn't know why she made the ridiculous haircut during the summer in the first place, and her breasts are so small. She could feel the slight disappointment in Finn's grasp the first time she let him touch them. He was happy and he was eager but it was as if he was grabbing for more than there was. She isn't particularly well endowed, and maybe she should go the Santana route and get a boob job.

She wants to just throw up everything she eats and be skinnier and exercise more (wake up at 6 instead of 7 for her elliptical time) but the words of Ms. Pillsbury and the reminder of her gag reflex halt these plans.

There's also a voice calling to her, telling her to stop this. She's beautiful, she's perfect, she's good enough but she doesn't listen and shoots it down.

If she's good enough then why can't she make Finn happy? Why is always girls like Quinn and Santana but never her? Even when she has him she never actually has him, there's always something in the way. It must be her. But it's more than that. Why does it have to be so hard? Why didn't Jesse want her and all of her? She can't even compare to a baby…Shelby proved that.

All the evidence points to the contrary. Rachel Berry must change.

* * *

She should have known that cheating on Finn would be like cheating on the rest of New Directions. After Finn sings a melancholy, heartbreak number about distrust and betrayal Mr. Schue pats him on the back sympathetically giving Rachel a look that only she can interpret and see.

_You stupid bitch you hurt our boy._

The rest of the club except for Puck and Lauren glare menacingly at her and if looks could kill she would be in a fiery pit of hell by now.

They're practicing a new number that has her at the back and partnered with Puck thank God. He twirls her around like the choreography directs and holds her so close and leans into her ear whispering  _I'm sorry I'm sorry it's not your fault_.

She goes limp and her vision blurs and now her knees are touching the ground and oh God how did she get here? She hasn't cried since the tree lot, why is she doing this now? She has to be stronger than this, stronger like Santana and Quinn who never cry and dominate and take charge.

She's so weak that she can't even speak when Mr. Schue asks her what's wrong even though he certainly doesn't care.

But she's strong enough to escape Puck's grasp and run away.

* * *

She gets home from school a week after her little incident when she sees a postcard sitting on the kitchen counter from today's mail.

It's a picture of the Hollywood sign.

_Didn't mean to make you cry_

_If I'm not back again this time tomorrow_

_Carry on, carry on as if nothing really matters_

**-Jesse St. James**

Fucking bastard.

He even uses the words that he beat her with. He almost took everything away from her with that song but some miracle intervened and she still had glee club and a shred of her dignity left. But he almost took that with this stupid song as if he was some one-man show in a host of robots. And he thinks this counts as an apology…

She can still feel the egg and tears covering her eyes but highlighting her humiliation. She dreams about it sometimes. She dreams Jesse, Shelby, and Finn smash eggs in her eyes, hair, nose, mouth, everywhere. They tell her they loved her but she was never enough and they've found better.

Vocal Adrenaline, Quinn, Santana, and oddly enough a little baby that resembles Puck finish the job for them and continue pelting eggs at her. When she wakes up she always feels the pain of the hits. She swears she does.

She tears the card into little pieces. It's not even until she can't rip them anymore that she comes back to reality and throws it in the garbage.

She goes into the fridge and proceeds to throw out the eggs daddy bought at the beginning of the week. He'll understand.

* * *

Ever since her breakdown in glee she's tried to avoid Puck as much as she can. His eyes follow her during glee with this look that bothers her, like he knows her and understands her.

It pisses her off to say that he does. That's probably why she always ends up in a compromising position with him when they're alone.

Sitting in the lunch room by yourself is never easy, and it certainly isn't when she can clearly see Santana all over Finn, nibbling his earlobe and whispering in his ear while he rubbed the inside of her thigh dangerously near her skirt.

She's so concentrated on his hand and how they trace her thigh, wondering how high he'll go that she doesn't notice Puck sit down in front of her.

"Why do you even torture yourself with that shit Berry it's pathetic?"

She wouldn't consider it torturing herself. It's called motivation.

"I don't know what you're talking about Noah. Is there a reason you've come to sit next to me? I haven't been insulted nearly enough times today so maybe you've come to fill the quota."

His eyes soften a bit at the mention of her torture at the hands of McKinley high or more specifically New Directions. They hadn't let up on her much since the break-up and it probably wouldn't end anytime soon. Or until she wins Finn back.

"No Berry. I told you I'm trying to be nice to Jews. Except Ben-Israel cause he's a fuckin creep. I came to apologize. It's my fault that you and Hudson broke up and I should have just stayed out of it but I took advantage of the situation instead. And now you're miserable and the clubs relentless and Finn is a fuckin smug douche because once again he's better than me and I know it's my fault. I'm sorry. I should have walked away earlier than I did but I didn't. I shouldn't have started that at all."

She looks at him strangely, wondering where this was coming from and also trying to think of when she ever heard Puck talk this much before. It was only when he was around her, but even then he never put together an apology as eloquent as this one. Not that he needed to give her an apology. This was her fault. It was her faults and selfishness that drove Finn away…he had every right to break up with her because he deserved better than what she gave him. She was everything that everyone said she was and she finally gave him reason to see that. He said he loved her in spite of her faults. This was the final straw. She just had to change. She just had to be better.

She shakes her head at him and whispers, "I don't need your apology Noah. It's not your fault. I'm a selfish annoying brat and I just need to fix that. Excuse me I have a solo I want to practice in the choir room."

With that she gets up and leaves him sitting there.

* * *

They're in front of her locker.

Not Santana's.

Not Finn's.

Hers.

There's not many people in the halls and she needs to get her chemistry textbook. She can't move.

He's grasping her hip so tight and their lips are moving together lazily like it's nothing new and they know each other so well.

They're never going to come up for air.

She skips chemistry. She tries to make herself have a gag reflex.

* * *

"Rachel do you ever think that maybe the expectations you set for not only yourself but the other people around you are too high?"

She hadn't been sleeping very much lately and her dad caught her watching old performance videos of herself at 4am. So of course she's here with Dr. Rubenstein. She sometimes wonders why this woman became a therapist-she just liked to hear herself talk.

"I don't know what you mean. I think it's healthy to have high expectations for yourself. Isn't it a mark for the potential that you know you have?"

"No…no Rachel you misunderstand. We're here because of your expectations on Finn. That is what I mean. You mentioned he's seeing the girl he lost his virginity to right?"

"Yes they were practically having sex in front of my locker and it was extremely rude-"

"Yes well from what you've told me she's on the cheerleading squad, popular, and a very beautiful girl. And from what you've said about Finn I get the feeling that popularity is a priority for him. But that's high school Rachel, and I think you have to understand the mindset that Finn is at in this point of his life. You can't expect him to just change his standards and expectations, you have to be realistic."

"But I don't understa-"

"I think that's all we have time for today dear."

* * *

She says hi to Finn in the halls while they're the only ones there.

Everyone is in class. She's going to the bathroom and he's at his locker.

He doesn't say anything.

She doesn't know what she expects. Maybe Dr. Rubenstein is right.

* * *

It's been almost 3 months since her break up with Finn and she doesn't feel any different. She hasn't changed. She hasn't gotten any better.

She doesn't sing as much as she used to. Mr. Schue gives most of the solos to Santana and Mercedes for group numbers and she sways in the background as Finn and Santana circle around each other singing with hungry eyes.

It's after practices like those that the two of them rush out of practice together first. When she walks to her car she still sees Santana's car in the lot and she hears them.

She hears them so clearly.

She feels like she's drowning and she just wants to sleep. But every time she does she can literally smell the eggs dripping on her head, the sweat coming off Finn as he fucks Santana into his bed, and the final nail in her coffin as Sunshine returns to reclaim her glory spot in New Directions. They realize how much they don't need her and push her out of the choir room without regret. There's no hesitation in their actions.

So she doesn't sleep.

It's Noah that notices. Well she can't say that. Almost everyone can probably notice, but they certainly don't care and instead use it as ammunition to abuse her more. Mr. Schue uses it as an excuse to not include her in numbers or give her solos.  _You look exhausted Rachel why don't we give you a break?_

So she should say that Noah is the first one to notice and care at the same time. He appears in her dreams sometimes. There's a moment in her egg dream when she finally gets away to clean herself off and Noah comes into the bathroom offering her a towel.

He finds her outside the Hudson house and leads her away in her Finn dream.

But it's the Sunshine one that gets her. While the last thing she holds dear is taken away from her and she doesn't know who she is without her talent, her voice, her glee club because Sunshine has taken it all away, Noah stands alone from the New Directions group. He's completely separate and he just stares at her with that same expression he had that day at the lunch table.

He understands.

She's particularly lethargic one day and completely falls asleep in English class. When she leaves she's bumped slightly by Santana as she flounces down the hallway to get to Finn, but Noah catches her before she can hit anything or anyone. He gives her a small smile asking if she's ok and straightening her back up.

"You haven't been yourself for awhile Rach and you look like you haven't slept in awhile. You're not ok. Do you want my notes from today's class? I actually paid attention today"

She appreciates that he won't press matters and dig into her soul. She's not ok but she's certainly not going to talk to him about it. She's not going to talk to anyone.

She takes the notes he offers and gives him thanks before walking off.

His eyes follow even after she turns a corner. She feels them.

* * *

There is a breaking point for everyone and Rachel has reached hers.

She doesn't know how this happened. She doesn't know why Jesse and Shelby are here, in her choir room with a baby girl that has wispy blonde hair sitting in a car seat next to Mr. Schue. She faintly hears him tell them that Shelby and Jesse are here to give advice about Regionals and Nationals and music centric careers in general as an apology for the past but Rachel can't understand and she can't breathe.

Shelby doesn't even look at her. She makes eye contact with every single person in the room but her and every now and then looks at Beth when she makes little gurgles or whimpers. There's always a look of adoration, affection, and most of all love in her eyes when she looks at Beth. It goes right back to professionalism when her gaze leaves her.

Jesse looks at her. But she refuses to look at him and give him the satisfaction of her attention. He said all he needed to say in that postcard. He wasn't sorry that he broke her heart and he needed to stop pretending he is. He would have broken up with her eventually when he went to UCLA. Jesse was meant for bigger and better things, while she was only worthy of him because she was good acting lesson.

He should get an Oscar for that bit about her deserving epic romance.

Class ends and she runs out of the choir room first to get to her locker. She just wants to go home now and the thought of skipping the rest of the day is highly appealing. She puts her things together in her backpack and sees Finn and Santana walking past her without a look laughing happily together.

One chip comes off her heart.

Jesse and Shelby are a few feet behind them and Jesse is carrying the car seat while Shelby holds little Beth. She can hear the baby's sweet laughter and Shelby is cooing. "Yeah baby girl mama loves you. You're gonna be such a sweet girl when you get older! We'll go see Uncle Jesse on broadway and maybe you'll want to sing just like him huh?"

If feeling your heart break was a tangible feeling then it just happened.

Everyone is so happy and fine with her right there while she's miserable and trying so hard to be loved by them. But they won't do it. She'll never be good enough as she is, in this moment, in this life. She'll never be that popular, sexy girl for Finn, a sweet untouched pure baby for Shelby to mold, and Jesse…she'll never know what she had to be for Jesse. Knowing that she didn't know him is the worst part.

She wants them to miss her. The only way they'll do that is if she's not around.

She slams her locker and the tears almost blur her from the destination of getting out of the school and home where she can just do what she should have done a long time ago.

She can hear Noah calling her name she thinks.

* * *

She's in the car still crying and hating the silence of the ride home and turns on the radio, not caring what station it turns to for once. But the words of this particular song hit her and the sobs wrack harder and Oh god she can't breathe and how is she going to drive…

_I don't care if it hurts_

_I want to have control_

_I want a perfect body_

_I want a perfect soul_

_I want you to notice when I'm not around_

_You're so fucking special_

_I wish I was special_

_But I'm a creep_

_I'm a weirdo_

_What the hell I'm doing here?_

_I don't belong here_

She knows it's true. She doesn't belong and she wants to so bad. She knows they'll never want her unless they can't have her. That's how it has always been. She'll give them what they want.

She regains control of herself before she can crash and somehow makes it to her house. She doesn't even bother getting her bookbag out of the car and runs in the house searching and searching the cabinets of the kitchen for something, anything to numb this feeling in her chest forever. She just wants to go. She wants to sleep without dreams, without eggs, and humiliation, hurt.

She finds a full bottle of Motrin and pours it in her mouth not caring how much there is. It's too dry to swallow. She spies her water bottle for her morning exercise and guzzles it enough to get all the pills down her throat and into her system.

She ends up in her bed, waiting and so drowsy. Her funeral will be beautiful she hopes. She feels so sad for dad and daddy but she can't live for just them. She can't. Finn will finally realize she knows he will. The glee club will never recover from this and reach regionals let alone nationals. It will be in this moment that Rachel Berry becomes loved and appreciated.

Her eyes are closing and she can't feel anything. She might have heard the door open and heard her name. She doesn't know.

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The events of Chapter 1 in Puck's POV and the aftermath of Rachel's actions.

He's been watching her for awhile now.

It's not very hard to. There's so much going on in her life, and his isn't that interesting anymore. He goes to school and actually starts to give a crap because Artie's kind of cool and tutoring him in a couple classes. He keeps to himself most of the time and doesn't talk to a lot of people in glee club. He stopped his mess with Santana after he made out with Rachel. It just doesn't seem right anymore. And if he makes an effort to talk to Finn he might punch him in the face. Puck knows he's a douche, but Finn has played the victim at someone else's expense one too many times and he knows that's not right.

So he watches Rachel sometimes.

He meant what he said to her that day at the lunch table and she needed to hear it. It's his fault. He's a selfish bastard and wants everything and never gets it. Beth, Quinn, his dad…he's never good enough for any of them. That's why he thinks he understands Rachel.

But she doesn't seem to get it. Apparently she's a selfish annoying brat. Annoying? Yeah maybe but who isn't these days. He wants to punch the shit out of Mr. Schue sometimes because of how annoying he gets, and Brittany's child like innocence is too much for him to handle. Everyone is annoying and Rachel's not exempt from that. Doesn't mean she's the bad person people try to make her out to be.

There's something obviously wrong with her. She's never actually called herself names before.

* * *

Over time she becomes more gaunt, withdrawn, and pale. She doesn't even look like Rachel Berry sometimes.

Her hair doesn't smell the same.

There are few times he has been close enough to notice but when he is he takes the time to smell her hair. It smells like honey, vanilla, and warmth.

They're swaying in the background during a group number one day in practice and twirls her in his arms and holds her close and doesn't smell anything when he breathes in her hair. She feels lighter in his arms and in the back of his mind he thinks that he's not even holding her at all.

* * *

Her gaze tends to be on a few things. Rachel is either looking at nothing or she's looking at Finn and Santana.

He moved on quickly after the break up and Puck knows because he and Santana ended things before Christmas. He knows how serious they're getting because he overhears Santana talking to Britt about it one day.

"God Britt he's hung like a horse you'd be surprised. He actually gave it to me so good last night that I think I'm gonna keep him around for awhile. Berry wouldn't know what to do with potential like that anyway. Plus he makes awesome grilled cheese sandwiches for me."

When Santana intends to keep you she doesn't let you go. Not until she says so.

He feels bad for her. She never looks like she slept enough and Santana makes it her mission to turn everyone in glee club against her, including him. He usually gives her the finger and walks away before she can finish explaining her plan.

He starts giving her notes for some classes after that one time he saw her completely konked out in English class.

He doesn't know what to do or what to say to her. But he knows she's not ok. Who is he going to tell?

Mr. Schue?

Ms. Pillsbury?

There's no one who cares enough about Rachel Berry that he knows well enough to say something to.

He knows she'll reach a last point. He'll be waiting and watching for it.

* * *

Schue is a fucking piece of work for this.

What teacher allows three people that mean way too much in too many ways to this group of people in here to try and inspire them?

What the actual fuck?

He keeps hearing Beth's giggles and whimpers and he clenches his fists every time. He wasn't supposed to have to deal with this anymore. He looks over at Quinn after Beth gurgles at one point and she looks just as pissed off as he is.

He doesn't hear a word St. Douche says and the same goes for Shelby. He just needs to go and get out of here.

When class ends and Schue dismisses them he sees Rachel dart out of the classroom and he curses to himself for forgetting the double whammy this must be for her.

He's walking a few feet behind Jesse, Shelby, and Beth when he sees Rachel at her locker quickly putting things in her bookbag. He can see the tears coming down her face from here and fear gnaws at his heart.

She looks at the trio coming towards her and her face falls completely in devastation. She slams her locker shut and runs towards a back entrance door. He keeps calling her name because if there was ever a time he should distract and talk to Rachel it's right now.

She doesn't hear him. This may have been her final straw.

* * *

He leaves school about 10 min after he sees her leave and heads towards her house.

He has a feeling of what he's going to find but he knows he has to hurry.

He gets to her house and it's only her car in the driveway. Surprisingly her front door is unlocked and he slips easily into the house.

It's eerily silent.

The Berry house is never silent and he knows this from the few times he's been here in the past. There's always music or chatter from her dads or the tv is on. He looks around the rooms downstairs first to make sure she's not there. It's not until he gets into the kitchen that he realizes that he needs to find her right away.

There's a bottle of motrin on the counter open with some pills lying around all over the place. But it's not the regular motrin-it's some extra strength prescription shit that people only get when they have something really painful going on.

They're 800 mg each.

He drops the bottle and runs upstairs having this feeling she's in her room. When he gets there she's just lying there and he immediately checks if she's breathing. It's shallow and her mouth is open with drool coming out her mouth. He shakes her a little calling her name "Rachel you better fucking wake up I swear to God. Rachel? Rachel. Wake up."

She's limp and like a rag doll as he shakes her and he knows what he has to do.

The ambulance thankfully doesn't take too long.

* * *

When Rachel wakes up she doesn't remember anything about her sleep. She wakes up and for once she's not thinking about eggs, Finn, Beth, or Sunshine. She wakes up and feels nothing and it feels wonderful.

But why is she awake?

She sits up a little and her throat is dry. The room is dark but she realizes she's in a hospital by the sounds and beeps and not to mention the wires attached to her body. She's all alone. This is no surprise.

Her throat is too dry to call for someone and there's no water next to her bed. She's stuck with nothing to do and she doesn't know how long she's been asleep. She wonders if Finn has been here. If he brought Santana with him she might have to consider jumping out the window of wherever she is.

She decides to just go back to sleep.

* * *

This time when she wakes up it's too bright to even open her eyes. She hears daddy and another voice she doesn't recognize and decides to appear as if she's still asleep to see what they're saying.

"Is it normal that she's been asleep for over 24 hours now?"

"Her body needs to rest and adjust. From what you've told me she's had chronic insomnia for awhile now. And her therapist Dr. Rubenstein has also mentioned some weight loss she noticed and signs of depression based on what they've been discussing in their sessions lately. You need to think about what you want to do once she's discharged Mr. Berry. She has to stay for another 48 hours but suicide is a serious matter. We can have one of our psychiatrists come in and talk about options. She can go to a facility or-"

"No! No no no facilities. I can't institutionalize my baby. There just…there have to be other options."

"There are. And we'll discuss them. Let's go and we'll find Dr. Lincoln now to talk ok?"

"Can we find her friend before we do that? I don't want her to be alone if she wakes up."

"Of course let's go."

She hears the door open and close and the room is quiet once again. She opens her eyes, adjusting to the light and sits up looking around the room. She sees a bouquet of flowers sitting on a table on the other side and it's a mix of white and pink tulips. They're beautiful. Maybe Finn sent them…he knew how much she liked the two colors when they were together.

Maybe Finn came to see her…daddy did say there was a friend here for her.

She wonders what they'll say to each other when he comes in. His face will be full of remorse and longing and he'll sit on her bed and hold her hand. He'll look into her eyes and tell her how afraid he was that he lost her forever when he had her for only so little time. She'll tell him that's not possible because he's always had her and he always will. And he'll hold her face in his hands tenderly and they'll kiss. She'll get out of the hospital and he'll dump Santana and they'll be happy. And most importantly she'll know how to make him happy. She's going to make a better effort with the glee club and now that she and Finn could reconcile everyone could get along better. She'll throw out the animal sweaters and plaid skirts and buy a new wardrobe. This incident will make dad and daddy do anything for her for awhile. She'll even consider that boob job again. She'll consider anything if it makes her good enough for Finn.

Her thoughts are interrupted when the door opens and her heart skips beats, eager to see Finn's smiling face.

But it's not him. It's Puck.

He's still wearing the clothes she saw him in when she was in school. He looks surprised to see her awake. She doesn't know if she's happy to see him or not but she's just as surprised as he is to see him at the door.

"You're awake." He croaks out.

"I had to wake up sometime didn't I?" she manages to get out after a moment.

"Yeah well…I didn't think you would for a little while when I found you lying almost dead on your bed."

"You…you're the one who found me?"

He nods and proceeds to walk over to the chair by her bed and sits down. He seems restrained, like there's so much he wants to say but he shouldn't. Noah Puckerman never restrains himself.

"Noah I…I guess I should say thank you but.."

"You're stupid you know that?"

"Excuse me?"

"You don't want to thank me. You wanted to die Rachel. And it's stupid. Your life is not some clusterfuck. It's not. You think you want Finn but you don't Rachel…he's not worth it. You know he hasn't even been here? No one has been here to see you do you know that? I got a text from Artie asking how you were and he said he would spread the news. That's it. Those flowers over there were sent by  _my_ mother and I've fucking sat here for the past 24 hours watching you sleep and watch your dads run around here like chickens with their heads cut off because your stupid ass decided to off yourself. And for what? Because Shelby wanted a baby,  _my baby,_ and now you're left in the dust? Because Jesse fucked you over and lied to you? Because Finn is a douche and doesn't know what he wants and has continuously lied and hurt you since you met him?"

She doesn't know what part she started sobbing at but she can't stop crying and she doesn't know what to say. She wishes he would shut up and leave because it's easier to wallow in her self-pity when he isn't around. He thinks he knows things…and maybe he does. But she doesn't need to hear it. She needs…she…she doesn't even know anymore.

"I'm sorry," she gasps out, "I'm so sorry. I just-I just want them to love me. They're supposed to love me Noah. All I've ever done is want them to want me and they don't and I just-"

She can't talk anymore and the sobs are continuously wracking her body. She feels arms surround her and Noah's lips on her head. He rocks her back and forth shushing and whispering.

_It's okay. It's going to be okay. They don't deserve your devotion Rachel they never have._

__

* * *

 

She makes a deal with her dads and the hospital psychiatrist to start getting treatment as long as it's not in some facility and also if her new therapist is not Dr. Rubenstein.

"But honey you've been with Dr. Rubenstein for years…I didn't know there was a problem."

"There is dad. She…she doesn't help. She only made it worse. I have to get better dad and she's not going to be the one to do it. Please?"

They agree to those 2 demands as long as she doesn't skip her treatment and if she goes on a mild dose of anti-depressants. She's completely against this but she owes it to her fathers to make some kind of effort. She meant it when she said that she can't live for them but they also don't deserve what she's doing to them. She's their baby, their only child…and even though Shelby, Finn, and Jesse don't want her, dad and daddy  _chose_ her. They went to great lengths to have her in their lives.

She's not too far gone to realize that if anything else her fathers love her.

* * *

Its been 3 days since she got home and she can't get out of bed because of the intense nausea and headaches she has from the medication. Her dads are letting her stay home from school for 2 weeks in order to regroup and start treatment in a couple days but she hasn't heard from anyone. They also took her phone to isolate her from everyone that is part of the problem by suggestion of the psychiatrist.

Apparently Noah told them a lot of things. And by a lot that means he told them that her break up with Finn was pretty rough and things at school just aren't too great.

She can't say she's mad at him for that. He's only trying to help and he's the only one besides her dads that seems to care about the state of her well being. He cared enough to follow her from school that day and made sure she didn't die.

She goes to sleep for a couple hours and when she wakes up her dad comes upstairs to ask if she wants to watch a movie with him and daddy. She says yes as long as it's The Sound of Music.

The three of them sit on the couch with Rachel in the middle, and it's the first time in awhile that she has spent time with her dads. She has been so concentrated on getting Finn back and being better for him that time with her dads didn't seem important. But with their arms around her, cuddling her close with their love she wonders how she could ever be away from this for so long. They all sing along to the songs and laugh at the their favorite parts and she wants to cry at the simplicity of something she's done so many times but is so significant. At one point her daddy kisses her hair and murmurs. "I love you so much sweetheart and I'm so glad you're home with us."

She tears a little at the gesture and is thankful that someone wants her while she's still there and not just if she's dead.

* * *

Dr. Damon is nothing at all like Dr. Rubenstein.

First of all he's a man. And he doesn't talk except to ask her questions. If he's not asking questions then he's repeating something she says for clarification. He doesn't tell her what she should be doing at this point and he doesn't try to tell her what she's feeling like Dr. Rubenstein did. He just listens and he wants to know her side of the story.

"And so I come to find out doctor that Finn and Santana had a tryst during the time that I was with Jesse. But you see he lied to me about it. He told me that he didn't have sex with her while I told him that I did have sex with Jesse even though I didn't. But I told him the truth Dr. Damon! I wanted him to have all of me and I wanted honesty so I knew I couldn't withhold the truth. But then I find out about the two of them and only because I made Santana mad that day and she decided to be a bitch and blurt it out in front of everyone. I could have lived with it maybe if he didn't seem to look at her so much. It's just…she's so pretty and she knows this and she used it to her advantage. Even before I cheated on him with Noah I saw the way they looked at each other. It may not have been love but it was lust and…he had already gotten what all boys want from her. Sex. So what does that say doctor?"

She hasn't talked this much since…she doesn't even know when. She used to talk all the time but there's never been anyone to listen lately.

"I don't know what that says Rachel. I'm going to let you ponder that until our session next week and we'll discuss. But before you go I want to give you a couple of recommendations. First of all when you go back to school next week I don't want you to go back to Glee Club."

"But Dr. Damon glee club is…it's my life and they need me-"

"Maybe they do Rachel but you need to get better before you can consider going back. I just don't think it would be healthy to throw yourself back into that activity so soon. I also want you to continue ignoring Finn. I know he may try and talk to you, see how you're doing, but I'm afraid that further involvement with the people who got you to this point in the first place will only hold back your progress."

She only nods. Dr. Damon is definitely different. He demands things of her.

* * *

Her dad wants to make her favorite vegan dish one night for dinner but of course he's missing a few key ingredients. She's getting stir crazy only being in the house and she only left once to go to her therapy session so she goes to the store to get the items for him.

It's been such a wonderful time in the Berry household and sometimes Rachel forgets that she even tried to kill herself. She forgets because in those moments when her dad is doing the twist around the kitchen while making pancakes that she wonders why she would ever do something like that when she has moments like these to live for.

She quickly walks into the grocery store with a basket, quickly getting what she needs and suddenly getting a craving for frozen yogurt. It would be a lovely treat after dinner and also a great sidepiece to watching The Wizard of Oz for the night. She wanders over to the frozen items aisle but freezes when she sees who is in front of the frozen vegetables.

Mrs. Hudson was always a lovely cordial woman, but she never spent a large amount of time in her presence. She imagines that if she did she would feel much more warm and happy to see her but she's rather indifferent. She just doesn't want this awkward moment on her hands when she's doing so well.

Carol finally looks up from her cart and sees Rachel, her jaw hanging open a little.

"Hello Mrs. Hudson. You're looking well. It's been quite awhile yes?"

Her stare is becoming unnerving and uncomfortable so she clears her throat a little in hopes that it breaks her trance so she can fill this silence.

"Oh um…yes yeah it…it has been awhile. Um. How are you Rachel are you doing…better?"

"Yes yes I'm doing much better now. I'm just out of school until next week and having assignments sent home so I can adjust again. And how is Burt? Kurt? And um…Finn how is he?"

"They're good. I'll let them know you asked about them. And Finn is good. He's very busy with sports and glee club and San-"

She catches herself before she finishes that sentence.

Rachel's breath hitches. He's still with her?

"I'm uh…Rachel I should let you know that he was very torn up when you were in the hospital. He feels responsible for what happened and…he tried…calling but your phone is turned off and your fathers aren't accepting visitors."

"Yes well…they think I should have some time to think and be alone before I return to school. And my therapist doesn't want me talking to a lot of people right now. Please tell Finn not to contact me anymore. I…I don't want to talk to him right now. Not even when I come back to school. Please Mrs. Hudson."

"Of course. If that's what you want."

"It's not. It's not what I want but…they think he's part of the problem. They may be right. Just please tell him to stay away. It was nice seeing you Mrs. Hudson, I hope the rest of your day is lovely."

With that she quickly makes her way down the aisle forgetting all about the frozen yogurt. She's going to sleep early tonight.

* * *

The morning she goes back to school she's in front of her closet, in her underwear, contemplating her wardrobe. At the rate she's going she'll get to school late. She hasn't gotten back into her morning routine. Her psychiatrist requested that the elliptical be taken out of the house for the time being anyway. She doesn't need to lose anymore weight.

She wonders if she should just wear jeans in order to avoid everyone's attention because if she wears her usual clothes they will look at her like she's a zoo animal and she doesn't want that. For once she does not want a spotlight on her.

There's a knock on her door and she figures it's daddy telling her to hurry up. Maybe he can help her pick out a blouse…he was always the fashion forward parent so she yells for him to come in.

The door opens and she hears a voice that's not her daddy. It's Noah.

"Uh…not your daddy Berry. Although you calling me daddy is kinda hot for some reason."

She laughs a little at the innuendo. He would say that. She's aware that she's in her underwear in front of Noah Puckerman but she can't bring herself to care that much. The guy has seen her on the verge of death…it's safe to say that he's seen it all when it comes to her.

"What are you doing here Noah?"

"Taking you to school. Your dads wanted someone who uh…understood the situation to be around. I don't think you want to be alone when you walk into the lion's den."

She nods. "You're right. Thank you Noah that's very nice of you."

"Yeah well there obviously perks…like getting to see you in your underwear. So what's up what are you going to wear?"

"I…I don't know. I'm thinking a pair of jeans and-"

"No. No jeans Berry it's criminal to hide those legs! Why don't I just pick something and get this over with?"

Without getting an answer from her he goes to her closet and begins perusing through her clothes. He makes different sounds, whether they're tuts of disapproval or hms that indicate he found something interesting. Finally he pulls out a black skirt and a pink cardigan and sets them on her bed.

"I don't know why but…that outfit always looked nice on you so go with that huh."

"But…um…but I thought my clothes looked terrible on me? The animal sweaters and the skirts? People always made fun of them."

"Berry…did you ever notice that both times you changed your style for Finn I didn't say a word to you about it? I didn't compliment you or anything. Did you notice that?"

"Um…I think so but I-"

"It's because I knew that wasn't you and I didn't wanna encourage it. I like your skirts and animal sweaters. Who are you if you're not wearing them? You're not Rachel Berry. I'm gonna go downstairs and wait for you. Your dad said he had breakfast going and I'm kind of hungry."

Without a word he slipped out the door and left her bewildered and confused.

She puts on the outfit with a smile.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rachel returns to school and starts to face her demons.

When they get to school Puck advises her to just walk to her locker without looking at anyone.

"Everyones got their theories on why you did it but don't let that get to you. If you look at them or cry or something they'll just think you're crazy."

He's probably right. And everyone has probably figured out by now that she did all this because of Finn. It doesn't take a genius to figure that out but they don't know the whole story and never will.

She walks straight to her locker with Puck in tow and her head held high. In some ways this is reminiscent of how she used to walk down the hall every day.

When she gets to her locker she quickly takes out books she needs and figures out notebooks and the like. Puck just leans against the locker next to her and doesn't say anything. She can see from the corner of his eye that he's giving people looks and that's probably because they're staring at her. At one point she sees him tense and his face darken. When she looks in the direction of his gaze she sees Finn walking towards her…along with Santana.

If there was ever a time she wanted the ground to swallow her up, it was now. Her face reddened at Santana's curious stare and she could only imagine what the Latina would have to say about her. Why did Finn have to come talk to her with Santana? She needed to get him alone, see what he was feeling. He obviously cared about her if he was as torn up as Carole said he was, and that meant they still had a chance.

But she had to ignore him. It was easier to say that to Carole than to actually say it to him. She could never resist Finn, because all she had to do was look into his puppy dog eyes and she would do anything that he asked. Anything.

She moved her gaze from Santana and looked into Finn's eyes that were also concentrated on her. He gave her a small smile, and it was the first one she'd seen directed at her in months. Her belly stirred and all she wanted was to hug him and feel his tall body around her again.

But the staring contest is interrupted by Puck blocking her way.

"You need to step away Hudson and Lopez. Now."

The two of them stop, a little surprised to see Puck in the same space as her. They probably should be surprised, but she honestly isn't.

"Um. I don't think that's your decision to make Puck. I want to talk to Rachel and I'm sure she wants to talk to me."

"Maybe she does Hudson but she's under doctor's orders to stay away from your ass."

"Why is everyone saying that? Why would Rachel's doctor tell her to stay away from me? I mean, let's be honest she's the one that hurt me…and you helped her! So shouldn't it be the other way around?"

"God are you that much of a self-righteous asshole that you're still trying to make her look like the bad guy? That's why you're staying away from her. You're one of the reasons she's like this in the first place, because you make her feel like shit Hudson. Why do you think she cheated on you huh? And what about Quinn? Funny that both your girlfriends had such low self-esteems around you but were so willing to come to me because I paid a little attention to them and gave them some compliments. What does that say about you Hudson…maybe that you're a shit boyfriend hm?"

By now Finn had stepped away from Santana and was nose to nose with Puck. The tension in their stares was electrifying and Rachel knew that if she didn't step in there would be a massive fight in this hallway. She closed her locker and nudged her way in between the two boys facing Finn.

"He's…he's right Finn I'm not supposed to talk to you right now. And…I'd appreciate it if you respected that."

He seemed surprised at what she was saying and honestly she was surprised too. But she couldn't have them fighting because of her.

She thought he was going to fight her on this, but he just shook his head and charged away with Santana hurrying after him.

She sighed with relief, glad that conflict was avoided for now. She turned around to face Puck again who was still staring off at Finn's retreating back with a dark glint in his eyes.

"Noah I…thank you for trying but…I really can't handle anything else so I would appreciate if you kept your distance from me today too. I just want to be alone. I'll see you when schools over for a ride home."

She can tell he wants to fight her on this too, but he can tell how emotionally exhausted she is already and leaves her with a nod.

She's used to being alone anyway. Trying to kill herself shouldn't really change that.

* * *

She's supposed to go to Spanish for 5th period…

She skips and hides out in the girl's bathroom. The stall with the most graphic pictures of her is more interesting than usual today.

* * *

Lunch doesn't fare well for her either but she expects this. This is her life, she is Rachel Berry so when have things ever gone her way?

She sees a few of the glee kids sitting at a table together and a year ago she would have been surprised at the group. Quinn, Tina, Mercedes, and Artie are sitting together laughing and talking without a care in the world. Quinn is looking beautiful as ever in her Cheerios uniform and it seems she and Tina have become more buddy buddy in the past few months. She doesn't know when that happened since she's so isolated from the rest of them.

She waits in line for some food and makes eye contact with Artie from across the room. He gives her a nod and a small smile and this smile feels more heartwarming than the one from Finn. At least she doesn't have any romantic history with Artie like she does with Finn and Puck. Artie doesn't owe her anything and doesn't have to be nice to her.

He quickly goes back to whatever Mercedes is saying to him and laughs. It's not like any of this means something. She has to remember that.

* * *

She's exhausted by the end of the day and just wants to spend the rest of it asleep in her bed. In some ways her bed is her happy place and now that she's taking this medication and also some sleeping pills for when it gets bad, sleep isn't her enemy anymore. She wishes she could sleep all the time so she could avoid all of this because it's so hard. It's so hard to find a way to be happy again outside of her bed, room, and house. It's so hard to try with Finn, Puck, and the rest of McKinley High and she wishes she didn't have to do it anymore.

She walks out of the main doors and ignores the whispers and stares that people have been giving her all day. She sees Puck waiting at his truck texting on his phone and she makes her way over to him quickly just wanting to get these pleasantries over with already.

It seems he senses her presence before she can announce herself because he stops texting and looks up when she's only a couple feet away. He gives her a small smile and opens the passenger seat of the truck and gestures for her to get inside. They exchange no looks and don't even really look at each other.

The drive home is mostly silent except for the music on the radio. She's grateful that he decided to acquiesce to her wishes and not talk to her very much. Things are much easier when Puck isn't going around inserting his opinions on situations, which he's been doing much more since she woke up. It's probably because he's pissed and scarred for life after finding her on the brink of death.

If he's trying to make life easier for her then it isn't working very well. It would be better if he just stopped talking all together like he used to.

When they arrive at her house she gathers up her bookbag and gives him a grateful smile.

"Thank you for the ride Noah. I'll be able to drive myself to school from now on so…I'll see you around at school."

"But-"

"Goodbye Noah. Have a good rest of the day."

With that she rushes out of the car and up her driveway. Her dads aren't home and she's surprised because one of them has always been home since she got out the hospital. Apparently they trust her more or they hid everything she could use in order to do some damage.

She slowly drags herself up to her room and feels the tiredness ebbing away at her. She doesn't even bother getting under her blankets and passes out on her bed in peace.

* * *

The next few days at school are a blur and tired mess. She avoids going to Spanish class completely and she's considering asking if she can just drop it. She either hides in the girl's bathroom or goes to the nurse's office to fake a headache.

She's also seen some of the glee kids around. Quinn acts as if she doesn't even see her and she's kind of grateful for that because she could be a huge bitch if she wanted to be and she can't handle that at all right now. There's not much to be said for the others except for small looks and smiles but Brittany came up to her and gave her a hug. Then again it's Brittany and she'd hug a tree if she thought it blinked at her. That doesn't mean she doesn't appreciate it though. She appreciates it so much that she cries in the bathroom for 10 minutes before she goes to class.

It figures that the only person who decides to be nice to her in any way still believes in Santa Claus. God bless her anyway.

She never sees Santana or Finn so she keeps her promise to ignore the people that are most "toxic" to her life. But she does see Noah sometimes. He watches after her, but he never talks to her and it goes back to the way it was before she killed herself. She likes it better this way, having a silent friend and protector, someone who understands.

* * *

Dr. Damon doesn't waste time.

"Rachel let's talk about…Finn. I assume you've seen him this week right? Have you ignored him as I advised?"

"Yes I have actually. He tried talking to me once but I asked him not to for awhile so…yeah."

"Ok. That's good. So I want to know more about…you and Finn. Conversations you two have had. For example tell me what would happen whenever he said he loved you or liked you?"

"Oh well…I'm always really surprised when Finn expresses his affection for me. I mean sometimes I feel like he doesn't do it very often so I feel kind of…lucky and privileged you know? That despite how annoying and abrasive I am he even gave me the time of day-"

"Has he ever said that?"

"Said what?"

"That you're annoying."

"Um…well…he has pointed out some of my not so great qualities before but…like the time I sent Sunshine Corazon to that crackhouse! He was completely right in telling me how wrong I was but…he said he loved me anyway. Even though I was crazy for doing that."

Dr. Damon looks at her pensively and she keeps expecting him to outright say what he thinks…but he doesn't.

"Why did you send Sunshine to that crackhouse Rachel?"

"I…I don't know. She was just so talented and I thought…I thought she would be a threat."

"To you?"

"Well…sure. But to everyone! Everyone complained all the time about never getting solos and having Sunshine around would only make it worse. There's only room for one strong female lead."

She stops herself once she says that and really thinks about it.

Dr. Damon notices. "Think about what you just said Rachel. Why does there have to be one strong female lead? Why can't there be two? Did her talent really threaten you that much?"

She could only nod at this. Sunshine had such a big voice and massive amounts of potential. But that wasn't the problem…people liked her because she was cute and small and compact just like Rachel but she didn't have the same annoying qualities that she did.

"How about this. I know your career goals and musical ability were very important to you before things got sour. I think that's great that you have goals and that you were so confident in your abilities. Because you're very talented Rachel and your voice is beautiful. I've heard it. But I want to know something else about you. Tell me another great quality about yourself or another hobby…anything?"

This is a question that doesn't come up very often. Which is probably why she can't think of anything to say.

So she's silent and pondering for a good minute.

"I…I can't think of anything. I can't think of a single good thing to say about myself other than I have an incredible voice. But I…I used to be ambitious I think. I used to care about going to voice lessons and acting workshops in order to prepare for Julliard, NYU, Broadway but I haven't thought about any of those things in so long. What does that mean?"

"Do you think if you lost your voice you would be able to…contribute something else meaningful to the world?"

"I've had that happen before. I got laryngitis once and I thought I would have to get my tonsils taken out and that it would completely ruin my voice and I was so scared Dr. Damon. I didn't know how to function. Finn introduced me to this boy who is a paraplegic and he really helped shed some light that my voice isn't the only thing to contribute to this world… but I don't know that. I think I would be completely invisible to this world if I didn't have such a big voice to sing with."

"Do you think boys like Finn or Jesse would have noticed you if you couldn't sing Rachel?"

"No. What would I have in common with them if I didn't?"

He doesn't answer her question but instead stares at her for a minute. She looks around the room nervously, avoiding his gaze and looks at the many pictures and awards adorning his walls. Apparently Dr. Damon is a good doctor.

"Your dad tells me you can bake…is that true?"

"Well…yes. I mostly bake cookies but I've tried other things before-"

"I want you to bake this week. You used to bake cookies all the time so I want you to do that. Try cupcakes. Look up some recipes."

"Ok? Why do you want me to bake doctor?"

"Because you need to learn that you're good at other things Rachel. You're not just a singer. You are more than a song you sing at a Sectionals competition."

She wants to deny that and say that at this point the greatest thing she has ever done is belt out Don't Rain on My Parade on the fly but she decides not to argue with him and just do what he says.

"Ok. Maybe I'll bring some next week…what's your favorite kind of cake?"

"Red velvet. Red velvet with cream cheese frosting. I'll see you next week Rachel."

* * *

The next day she goes to the grocery store to get a few essentials. She has most of the ingredients that are listed on her research, but she's missing some red food coloring and buttermilk.

As she's mixing the butter, sugar, and eggs together she remembers how calming the act of baking always was for her. Whenever she made her I'm sorry cookies she was able to channel all the guilt she felt into the cookies and it was like therapy.

When she's completely done with the batter she goes to look for some white vinegar, but she can't find it anywhere.

It figures that they don't have any in the house.

Maybe it doesn't matter. Who puts vinegar in a cake anyway?

* * *

When she takes the cupcakes out and takes a bite of one, she knows they're good but it's missing something about it. It's probably the vinegar.

She calls her daddy and asks him to bring it home for her. She's determined to perfect these cupcakes.

While she waits she begins making the cream cheese frosting. It's when she's mixing the butter and cream cheese that she realizes that she hasn't thought about Finn, Jesse, Shelby, or anything else that has caused her stress since she started this baking process.

When she's completely done she takes a swipe of the frosting and it tastes like heaven. She's proud that she has made something so euphoric out of such simple ingredients. This is different than how it is with singing. She's singing other people's songs and competing with their originality. But this frosting was made completely by her.

She walks out of the room for a little so she doesn't eat the entire bowl.

* * *

When she goes to school the next day she has a few red velvet cupcakes on a plate and walks up to Puck's locker. He's busy getting things out of his locker while Artie talks to him about God knows what. She falters in her step, worrying about talking to him when someone from New Directions is so near, but she remembers that Artie really isn't all that bad. When she gets to them Artie stops talking and Puck looks at her surprised but gives her a smile and a "Sup Rach?"

"Hello Noah and Artie. I just wanted to give you some of the cupcakes that I made last night. There are so many in my house and dad and daddy can only eat so much so I'm hoping you'll take them off my hands."

Puck scoffs and says, "Rach you're offering me food. Of course I'll take it off your hands!" He takes the plate from her and picks up a cupcake. Once he peels the wrapping liner off he takes a bite and lets out a moan of satisfaction.

"Fuck Rach this is awesome. Artie you have to try one." He brings the plate down to Artie's level and he gingerly takes a cupcake with a smile directed to Rachel. He takes a bite himself and lets out a moan that is similar to Puck's.

"Oh my…Rachel this cream cheese frosting is dope! It's like…it's in my teeth and it's staying there. I don't even want to brush my teeth later!"

They laugh at his exaggerated praise.

"Seriously Rachel this is great. I didn't know you baked so well. I mean I've seen your cookies but I didn't know it extended to other stuff."

"Yeah...I guess I'm trying something new you know? Thank you for the compliment Artie."

Puck takes the other two cupcakes on the plate and puts them on the top shelf of his locker while handing her the plate. "You know Berry…you should bake stuff when you go to your Broadway auditions. Bribe them a little. Crazy good voice and a fucking Betty Crocker? You'd be a shoo in."

Artie nods his head in agreement and her heart warms at the sentiment. This feeling really is different from singing.

* * *

The office won't allow her to drop Spanish class this late in the year. Therefore she has to show up today. They let it slide for the past week because they knew of her situation but the kiddie gloves are off now and Rachel has to get back to the real world.

She makes sure to take her time getting her things so that she walks into class at the last possible moment. When she walks in, she rushes past everyone to the back of the class with her head down and books held against her chest. She can feel the stares but there's one in particular that is most unnerving. The class is mostly quiet and she glances up to see that Mr. Schuester is mostly staring at her instead of teaching the class. She immediately puts her head back down and proceeds to open up her notebook and get her writing supplies out.

Eventually he decides to actually talk.

"Buenos dias clase! Como estas?" (Good morning class! How are you?) he says in his usual enthusiastic manner. She cringes mostly because she knows how fake his enthusiasm is for anything that doesn't involve the glee club. She wonders how Mr. Schue even became a Spanish teacher.

She cancels out the noise occurring around her from various students talking to Mr. Schue in Spanish. It isn't until she feels a presence in front of her that she notices he's in front of her desk with his arms crossed and his eyebrows raised.

He's actually wearing a nice tie today. She should tell him that.

"Rachel…que escucha?" he asks her evenly. (Rachel are you listening?)

She sits up straight and looks up at him head on. "Si Senor. Lo siento pero estoy cansada." (Yes sir. I'm sorry but I'm tired.)

He nods and even though he wants to call bullshit…he doesn't. "Como se siente Rachel? Le perdimos en clase." (How are you feeling Rachel? We missed you in class.)

She wants to call bullshit on him too. He didn't miss her. They both know this. "Me siento mejor. Gracias por preguntar senor." (I'm feeling better. Thank you for asking.)

With that she reaches for her book in order to make a point of ending the conversation. She went through the rest of the class, barely listening and staring blankly at her textbook, but thankfully Mr. Schue doesn't call on her and leaves her alone…until the bell rings that is.

She scrambles to get her things together so that she can get out before he can get to her but in the midst of the students leaving he's already spotted her. "Rachel can I have a word before you leave?" She knows she's stuck so she watches as the rest of the class leaves quickly to their next class.

Once the last kid is out, she walks up to the front of the room and waits for him to speak. He's busy putting a couple things in drawers of his desk but once he's done he gives her another fake smile.

"Rachel, it's really great to have you back. I noticed you haven't been in glee club lately? When should we expect you back?"

She raises her eyebrows at his nonchalant rapport with her as if nothing out of the ordinary has occurred in the past few weeks. It's not as if she got the stomach flu and was deathly ill for a couple days. She wasn't sick.

She tried to kill herself.

And he's asking her to come to glee club like it's no big deal? She…she can't with him. She really really can't. She's already exhausted from overthinking this conversation and just wants to go home and sleep this off.

"Mr. Schue I…I'm not ready to come back to glee club. I'm going through a lot right now obviously and I need to figure that out before I can come back."

"But I would think being part of glee club would help you Rachel. Everyone misses you-"

"No they don't they miss my voice. A voice you all haven't let me use for a long time now. Regionals is coming up right? Good luck. I really hope you guys are prepared but I can't help you. I have to help myself right now so that I don't swallow a whole bottle of pills again and give my fathers heart attacks. Have a good day Mr. Schue."

She leaves without letting him have the last word and she's a little proud of herself for that display.

* * *

Over the next few days she makes a few more concoctions to the annoyance of her fathers. It's not that they're not happy to see her put effort into something for the first time in a long time, but at this rate they're all going to get diabetes.

So she starts baking smaller proportions and takes most of the goods to her neighbors. They always seem surprised and overwhelmed to see her at their doorstep with cupcakes or a cheesecake but they're gracious and nice to her like they always have been. They know what happened but they don't treat her any differently. But they enjoy what she gives them and they tell her so when they see her outside the house going to or from school. Mrs. Fallon even mentions that she should help her out for the senior center bake sale coming up.

It's nice to feel wanted for more than her voice.

She still brings Artie and Puck some of her creations and enjoys hearing their feedback. Artie continues to make exaggerated comments but she appreciates the friendly spirit that comes with it. Puck says he wants her to bake the banana peanut butter cupcakes for his birthday because "You're a fucking genius for thinking to put chocolate icing in the middle of this thing and peanut butter frosting on top. Seriously Berry why haven't you been baking your whole life?"

She laughs and knows assuredly that she completed her assignment for therapy with 110% effort and success this week. Hopefully Dr. Damon likes the red velvet.

* * *

He does like it. In fact he spends the first 10 minutes of their session gushing about how good they are and offering the other few she gave him to his secretary and other people in the office. They proceeded to exclaim about how good it was.

She's blushing the entire time, mumbling thank yous and what not. She doesn't know why she's so embarrassed but she forgot what it's like to be under the spotlight have constant adoration and praise put on you.

It's a nice feeling but it's also foreign to her now. The only praise she ever got was for when she sang and she hasn't really done that since before Sectionals and Christmas.

When the excitement dies down she and Dr. Damon return to his office and get situated.

"Once again Rachel thank you for those cupcakes. They were phenomenal. I think you've found a new talent in baking. Is that the only thing you baked this week?"

"No I actually…I liked baking the red velvet so much that I've baked a lot this week. Cheesecake, cookies, more cupcakes. My dads were so sick of it that they begged me to just give it away to all the neighbors."

"That's great. So I take it you really liked it?"

"Yeah I really did…it's a very different feeling from when I used to sing you know? I think because the baking is such a tangible product for me to give people and make them feel good with. I've always loved singing and the effect it has on people but this is great too."

Dr. Damon nods at her with a smile as if he understands what she's saying as well. This is why she's glad she dropped Dr. Rubenstein.

"Ok Rachel so moving on let's discuss some other things. How have you been this week? In general?"

"Pretty ok. I haven't seen Finn so that's been peaceful. And Mr. Schue asked me to come back to glee club but I told him no. Other than that it was just a lot of baking."

"Ok. So I'm wondering if we can discuss Jesse today."

She looks at him with surprise because she didn't think they would touch on the subject of Jesse so soon.

"I um…why…why Jesse?"

"Rachel, he was your first long term relationship and it didn't end very well. You have to have some feelings on it right?"

She did. That didn't mean she liked to think about them. She really tried to not think about Jesse at all.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rachel begins to relapse into old habits.

When Rachel thinks of Jesse she thinks of not only eggs but also broken promises.

She remembers various happy moments in their short but doomed relationship. There was one time after the roller skating party with April Rhodes and they sat outside her house in his car and made out for what seemed like hours. He told her how beautiful her smile was at one point and she felt like an actual teenager for the first time in her life. When he kissed her it was with urgency, like he was trying to suck the life out of her and it felt like desire and lust every single time. She was wanted, she was sought after.

She would dream at night that after a rousing performance of West Side Story she would meet up with him in their favorite bar in the city and they would drink wine and discuss their days. People would pass by them and ask for autographs from the both of them, citing how their love story was so inspirational for their own life. They would also clamor for a wonderful duet from the two of them, and of course they would oblige. Then they'd return to their penthouse on the Upper East Side and she would fall asleep in their bed with his warmth and love surrounding her. He'd kiss her on the forehead and murmur, "Goodnight angel," before they fall asleep.

This was their epic romance. She had the life she deserved-and it was with him.

But it didn't work that way.

"Rachel? Rachel did you hear what I just asked?"

Her thoughts are pulled from hopeless daydreams to the present of a plain office and Dr. Damon staring at her.

"We're supposed to be talking about Jesse right?" she asks.

"Yes. I asked what your thoughts on Jesse were and-"

"Do you know…when Vocal Adrenaline threw those eggs at me he said he loved me before he broke the egg over my face. Loved. As in past tense. Apparently he loved me before that happened."

"Do you think he loved you Rachel?"

"I don't…I don't know. I would like to think that…every moment we had together was out of love but I can't say that. And I can't be sure. But what did he mean by loved…I never understood. What did I do to make him fall out-"

She can't even finish the sentence at this point because of the lump in her throat and the tears in her eyes. She doubles over on the couch and sobs loudly hiding her face in her hands. This is a strange moment for her. She usually doesn't cry about Jesse to be honest. She gets angry, sad, and pensive but she never cries because she doesn't know what to cry about. She's just never sure about Jesse.

She feels Dr. Damon's hand on her shoulder and a box of tissues appears in front of her face. She grabs a few quickly and wipes away the tears, embarrassed that she broke down like this.

"I'm sorry," she croaks out. "I didn't mean to just start crying like that. I never cry about Jesse."

Dr. Damon returns to his seat across from her. "Did you ever talk to Jesse after you two broke up?"

"No. No we never spoke. The last time I saw him was Regionals when Vocal Adrenaline beat us. But…he sent me a postcard some time ago. It was the Hollywood sign on the front and all he wrote were a few lyrics to Bohemian Rhapsody."

"That's…odd. Is there any special significance to that song? Does it mean something to the two of you?"

"He sang it at Regionals. And it made me so angry when I saw it. I mean he beat us with that song. Do you know we didn't even place at Regionals? We weren't supposed to get another year of glee club because of that but somehow we did. Glee club was everything then and he almost took it away with that song. I don't understand why he would use that song to contact me after everything he did."

Her words and speech seemed frantic at this point and she doesn't know how Dr. Damon is even understanding her at this point.

"Rachel it seems when it comes to Jesse…you don't know anything. You two didn't get closure. You don't have any answers. All you're left with is your interpretation of the situation. So I want to know what that is. Why do you think Jesse stopped loving you? Do you think he ever loved you?"

She's quiet for a few minutes, gathering her thoughts. It's a lot to think about honestly.

"I just…I don't know Dr. Damon. I don't know why he would say he loved me like I did something wrong. I don't know if I was too clingy or called him too many times about my theories of Patti LuPone being my mother. I was…I was the best girlfriend I knew how to be. And it all just makes me so angry. I want to throw something every time I think about him or the humiliation I felt when that egg dripped down my face. It gave me nightmares for so long. I couldn't sleep without seeing people like Finn and Shelby throwing eggs at me too. He said I deserved epic romance when you know? And I felt so special…but then he went and ruined everything. So what is that supposed to mean? What kind of love do I deserve then if my first real boyfriend goes and does something like that?"

"Did you love Jesse?"

At that question she remembers the first time she met Jesse, singing Hello with him and thinking that she finally met someone that understood her. His voice was perfect next to hers. It was like fate. They fit together.

She could only nod. She could only nod and start a fresh batch of tears.

Dr. Damon looks at her sympathetically. "I think that might be enough for today hm?"

* * *

After the stress of her session with Dr. Damon she doesn't feel like baking for a couple days. She goes to school empty handed and ignores Puck and Artie's inquiring and concerned looks when they pass by her in the morning. It's probably because she looks and feels like death since she hasn't slept much. When she does sleep she dreams of a life with Jesse and wakes up with tears on her face, a wet pillow, and an aching heart.

She hardly pays attention in most of her classes and Spanish is even more tiresome than usual. Mr. Schuester calls on her a couple times but she has to actively ignore him in order for him to get the message. She's not budging and she's not participating.

At lunch she quickly gets her food and makes her way to the bathroom to eat and be alone. On her way she sees Santana.

She can honestly say she hasn't seen Santana since that first day she came back to school. She doesn't know if that's by Santana's doing though. She hasn't made any changes to her route in order to avoid her.

They make eye contact as they pass and Santana's eyes narrow at her. Usually she would be afraid of this but she's too tired today to care about anything.

"Berry. Long time no see. You're looking like death warmed over…I bet you wouldn't mind that though."

She can't even find the energy to respond to that. It's a good insult though she'll give her that.

"If you think all this angst you're going through is going to make Finn crawl back to you then think twice Berry. He may feel guilty but that doesn't mean he wants you back. He doesn't. Wanna know why? Because he has me to supply his needs all the time…and I mean  _all_  his needs."

She knows exactly what she means by this and she has had nightmares about it too. She tries to move around Santana to escape this conversation but the cruel Latina blocks her from walking past.

"I never thought you would be pathetic enough to kill yourself Rachel. I always thought you loved yourself too much to do something like that. I mean wouldn't it be a waste of your "talent"? You might want to think about that. You might want to contemplate just how much of a loser you've become. It's sad. Really."

With that she shoves past her and flounces down the hall with her curly ponytail swinging alluringly in her wake.

But suddenly her triumphant march is stopped because Puck is in her way. They're too far away for her to hear anything but Puck takes a look at her and then Santana and it's like he already knows what just happened. His face is grave and he towers over Santana menacingly as he speaks to her. She can't see her face from her position but her body is stiff and still and she seems to be cowering under the force of Puck's fury.

Once he's done talking he stalks away from Santana and towards her. As he comes nearer, his facial expression is less severe.

"You alright Rach?"

No. No she's not. She kind of wants to go home and swallow a bottle of pills again so she doesn't have to think about all the things that hurt anymore. But she'll resist the urge.

"Sure. I'm not feeling so well though. I'm tired and I just want to go home."

He looks at her suspiciously and it's a good thing Puck knows her well enough by now. She should not go to her empty house right now. They both know this.

"Do you want me to drive you home?"

She nods, thankful that he knows what she needs but she's certain he's not going to leave her alone once they get there.

They stop by her locker so she can drop off her books and proceed out the school building. Once they're in his truck and on their way to her house, she settles into her seat more and feels the weight of the day close her eyes. Now that she's still and relaxed she can't even stay awake. So she goes to sleep.

* * *

When she wakes up she's tucked safely in her bed and warm under the covers. It's dark except for the lamp on her desk and the time says that it's 7:13pm.

She gets out of bed and groggily makes her way downstairs. She can smell food cooking the closer she gets to kitchen and she finds her dads making dinner quietly. They greet her with warm smiles.

"How'd you sleep dear? You've been out for awhile," her daddy says.

"I feel ok. It was a good nap. Have I been here alone the whole time?"

"No…no when we got home we found your friend Noah in the living room watching tv. He said you weren't feeling well at school so he brought you home but he didn't want you to be in the house alone."

She scowls at the fact that everyone has to baby her so much. It is necessary but that doesn't mean she likes it. "He didn't have to do that I was fine on my own."

Her dad raises his eyebrow at that statement. "No you weren't Rachel. Dr. Damon called us after your appointment and said that your session this week was…difficult for you. He advised we keep a close watch on you and try to not have you in the house…alone. So yes it is necessary."

Dr. Damon really is smart isn't he? "I'm not a child dad it's just…whatever. Call me when dinners ready."

She goes back upstairs to her room and doesn't come back down for dinner. She watches some of her old MySpace videos instead.

* * *

The next day at school she sees Santana but the girl completely avoids her gaze and doesn't say a word.

The same can't be said for Noah. When she goes to her locker for lunch he's waiting for her at her locker.

"Do you think your sleep schedule is messed up or something Rach cause all that sleeping during the day can't be healthy," he says lightheartedly.

She ignores him and gets into her locker, switching out books and getting the Tupperware full of leftover eggplant Parmesan.

"Wanna have lunch with me today?"

She closes the locker with force and looks at him. "No. I told you I can't handle anything or anyone right now. I can't. So please leave me alone. I appreciate what you do for me but this is too much right now Noah."

His jaw tightens and he pulls back from her. "I'm just trying to be nice."

"Yeah well nothing good comes out of you being nice to me. One time it happened and I cheated on my boyfriend and now i'm a depressed shell of a person so there you go."

He nods, crossing his arms and backing away from her.

"Fine. I told Santana not to bother you anymore or I'd make life hell for her. I guess I'll stop bothering you too."

He walks away from her and she has a feeling he won't watch over her as much.

* * *

She spends the rest of the week in school alone in school. She doesn't make eye contact with anyone, hardly speaks in her classes, and does her best to avoid Puck.

She spends most of her time at home in her room attempting to do her homework, but generally she's sleeping.

She doesn't bake.

* * *

She doesn't mean to be like this. And she doesn't want to be.

She remembers how she used to feel whenever she sang by herself in the auditorium sometimes. It wasn't about honing her talent or preparing for some ludicrous assignment Mr. Schue had given, but doing what she loved.

She used to be ambitious and she used to have determination and passion. She wants that back.

It occurs to her how bad things have gotten when she stumbles upon her daddy crying in dining room with her dad rubbing his back sympathetically.

"I just want her to be happy. I mean are we such bad parents that we let this happen? We let her get like this?"

Her dad doesn't know what to say but she wants to say it's not their fault. Because it's not. They're the only ones who have loved her, never failed her, or supported her unconditionally. They never made her feel like she was less than anything. If it weren't for them she would have done what she did a long time ago.

She makes a decision to make a better effort at her therapy. She can't do to them what so many have done to her.

* * *

She goes to her appointment with Dr. Damon more determined than she's ever been.

"Rachel how have you been this week? Your dads called me a couple days ago and they were quite worried about you. They said you haven't been very active. Mostly sleeping."

"Yes it wasn't a very good week. I don't think I dealt with our session last week very well. Thinking about Jesse is…very hard. But I want to deal with it this week. I really want to get better Dr. Damon."

"Ok. Well why do you think it's hard for you to think about Jesse? Why do you think it shut you down so much this week?"

"I-I think…I think because I did love Jesse. I loved him and I thought he loved me. But then everything happened and now I'm not sure about anything in our relationship. That's why it hurts me so much. I…I have to know where I stand with people. I need to know these things. And I usually know. I do. But…everyone in my life right now…I don't know where I stand with them. I don't know if Finn still loves me…I don't know if Jesse  _ever_ loved me. It makes me so unsure of myself. It was never like this until…them."

She can feel tears in her eyes and she bites her lip and takes deep breaths.

She will not cry today.

"So…ultimately the problem with Jesse is a lack of closure."

"Yes! Precisely! I just want to know why he did what he did. I need to know the reasons behind it instead of speculating about all the things I did wrong-"

"Why do you think it's something you did wrong?"

"Because…well it's nothing he did. He was great. And I…I'm just…I'm always too much, I'm too crazy."

"So Jesse is perfect?"

"Well…not necessarily-"

"So why is the demise of the relationship your fault and yours alone? Isn't it a two way street? Do you think you deserved that egging Rachel?"

"No! No I didn't deserve it but I think…I don't…I don't why it happened! And I don't know why he broke up with me and if it's my fault or his. I'll never know unless he tells me but I don't know if that will ever happen. I don't think I'll ever be over this until I get some answers."

"I think you're right. And I think we'll have to move on from here. Tell me about your week…any interactions you want to talk about?"

"Well..I kept to myself a lot this week. I ran into Santana and that was eventful. She has this constant need to berate me in any way she can. I don't understand. I'm not even with Finn anymore and she still won't leave me alone!"

"Do you think her bullying is going to be a reoccurring theme in your day? Enough to start talking to an authority figure?"

"I don't think so. Noah said something to her. I think she'll leave me alone from now on."

"Noah? The boy who found you after you took the pills right?"

"Yes. He's been very nice to me. We've gotten along well but I…I think I burned that bridge. I was very mean to him when I was highly depressed."

"Why were you mean to him?"

"Because he frustrates me!"

"But you said you two get along and he's nice to you, I don't understand-"

"Because!" she cries as she stands up and begins pacing, "he doesn't leave things alone! He talks to me like he knows everything. One minute he's nice and it's fine but then he opens his big mouth and tries to talk about why I killed myself and why Finn isn't good for me and I can't handle it. I can't handle him!"

Dr. Damon follows her pacing amused. "So he frustrates you because he tells you the truth?"

She stops and looks at him. Puck does tell her the truth but she's never ready to hear it and that's the problem. "Yeah. I'd rather stay in my bubble of self-pity than hear the truth from him sometimes. It hurts."

Dr. Damon chuckles. "That's why they say the truth hurts Rachel."

She smiles a little at this statement and returns to her seat. "I suppose I'll have to apologize but I think I really hurt him. So I should leave it alone for awhile. Plus…I value his friendship, I do, but I have to do this alone Dr. Damon. I have to figure these things out on my own and I think he cares too much sometimes to let me do that. I think I depend on people too much. I need to remember how to depend on myself."

"It's your choice Rachel. I think that's all the time we have for today though. But one question before you go."

"What?"

"What are you baking me for next week?"

She laughs lightly and shakes her head at her therapist. There is that Mexican chocolate recipe she'd been eying…


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things start to get a little better for Rachel, until the last straw breaks.

_1 month later_

Its been a long time since she stepped foot into this auditorium but it seemed like a good time as any to do so. No one in the glee club would be around and other than that it was usually vacant.

She took a slow walk around the big room, taking in memories from all the time she spent in here. She remembers being in here with Finn, teaching him notes and scales and then kissing him. It was the first time a boy had taken such interest in her and her voice. Then he kissed her. She thought everything that happened in the past wouldn't matter anymore-the drawings in the bathroom stalls, slushee facials, hateful comments on her myspace. It wouldn't matter because one person in this school would understand and come to maybe love her. She had so much hope.

But then he ran.

Thinking about this Rachel realizes that Finn has done a lot of running from her. A lot of running that she never deserved.

You see, she doesn't understand how she's gone so long in this place without doing what she did. But the thing is Rachel Berry knew who she was. She knew she was talented and she refused to compromise herself for anyone no matter how much they didn't like it. Because one day it would all be worth when she was up on stage on the Broadway doing what she loved.

And then she met Finn. Now she wasn't completely sure of who she was anymore.

She walked towards the stage and piano holding a few papers in her hands. Dr. Damon asked her at their most recent session if she had been singing lately. She hadn't. To be honest she hasn't sang very much since her suicide attempt because there has been no reason to. He wants her to find a reason to sing again. Find songs that describe what she's feeling, what she went through before.

She poured over lyrics on the internet stumbling upon songs from artists she'd never even heard before. She even found the song she heard the day of her suicide attempt when she was driving home. It still makes her tear up a little.

She sits down on the piano bench and puts the papers on the staff. She lightly traces the keys and begins playing notes, feeling the music and letting it take her over. She stares at the paper and begins to sing.

Her voice in some ways seems strained and raw from months of not being used. But this is ok. She sings the song softly at first but it's when she gets to a particular verse that her voice finds strength and reason.

_Wish you thought that I was dead_

_So rather than me_

_You'd be depressed instead_

_And before arriving at my grave_

_You'd come to the conclusion_

_You've loved me all your days_

_But it's too late_

_Too late for you to say_

She lets her voice carry out the rest of the song, losing herself in her thoughts. There were times in the past month that she wonders whether or not she ever meant for herself to die or if this was just a cry for attention. She and Dr. Damon talked about this extensively. While he never expressed his actual opinions, he helped her come to the conclusion that her suicide attempt would be a matter of guilt for people. She wanted things to change and she wanted everyone to really look at her. She wasn't just Rachel Berry: future star who had too much confidence, not enough friends, but a big voice. She was also a very lonely girl who was miserable and depressed because no one cared to notice her or like her. She wanted people to notice her sadness so maybe it would change.

The problem is that while people knew she was…sad…they didn't necessarily do anything about it. Things went about the same for her at McKinley High. After a few weeks of odd looks and whispering she went back to being invisible. And without glee club she flew even more under the radar. She didn't see Noah as much anymore because everytime he saw her he went the other way. She feels bad about this. She didn't want to burn that bridge because he has been so good to her.

She comes to the last words of the song and lets the note drop slowly. Looking around the empty seats of the auditorium she lets herself imagine it being full of people not only admiring her talent but also the emotions behind her lyrics. She baring herself for these people to see, and instead of being mocked for it she is understood and embraced. There are people just like her out there who are lonely and miserable thinking people don't care. She wants them to know they're not alone. She wants her voice to touch people.

She gathers up the pages and puts them in her bookbag. Her free period is almost over and she has to be getting to her next class.

She walks out of the auditorium and sees that no one is in the hallway except for Azimio. She pays no mind to this considering the boy hasn't acknowledged her presence in quite awhile. She walks slowly down the hallway thinking about the homework she had to do for her English class when she hears a voice call her name. She looks in the direction of the voice and an onslaught of cold hits her face.

When you haven't received a slushie facial in quite some time you forget how shocking they are to the system. They were still always cold when she got them on a regular basis but she knew what to expect and saw it coming. This was completely unexpected.

She stood stunned with her eyes closed and could feel the slushie dripping down not only her face but her neck into the V of her tshirt. The goosebumps on her body were probably innumerable.

She heard Azimio's laugh in the distance and harsh call of "What a freak" but it was drowned out by the sound of the bell ringing. She quickly opened her eyes and wiped the frozen substance off her face as best she could. She could hardly see anything due to the burn of not only the slushee in her eyes but the tears starting to form.

She didn't even realize she was crying.

She heard doors opening, numerous footsteps, and sure enough she heard the laughter. This was always the worst part. You would think human decency still existed in the world but getting a slushee facial always reminded you that it kind of didn't.

People were getting a laugh out of her humiliation as usual.

She looks around at the crowd starting to form and immediately sees Finn and Tina standing together stunned at the outskirts but they don't say a word or make a move. Not that she expected them to. She then feels two hands pull at her and take her attention away from her former boyfriend and teammate.

It's Lauren Zizes.

Together they push through the crowd and she faintly hears Puck yelling at people to "Move it along! Don't you people have anything else better to do?" but she can't be sure because she's mostly just shocked at everything that has just happened. Lauren continues to march determinedly down the hallway, pulling Rachel all the way until they reach the girl's locker room.

There's no one there and Lauren immediately goes to her locker and begins to pull things out.

"Do you have any spare clothes?" Lauren asks.

She shakes her head no. She hasn't needed them in a long time.

"You can have some of mine. They'll be pretty big on you but it looks like he only got your face and shirt so you can keep you skirt."

Lauren hands her a bright yellow tshirt that would usually repulse her but under the circumstances its one of the most precious things she has ever been given. She takes it from her and smiles gratefully.

"Thank you Lauren. I…I really appreciate this."

"It's no problem," she says nonchalantly. "People at this school are so stupid anyway. I mean what have you ever done to any of them?"

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Lauren also hands her a washcloth so she can wash her face and she goes into one of the shower stalls to clean up. When she gets in there she hears a door open and a male voice.

"She in here still?" It's Puck.

"Yeah she's cleaning up in the shower. I gave her a shirt." Rachel wonders why Lauren always seems to sound bored when she talks.

"Ok. Good. I'm going to go finish taking care of Azimio. Stupid fucker needs to learn his manners…she doesn't need this. Just make sure she gets to where she needs to go safe ok? Text me if you need me. And thanks Zizes."

"No problem Puckerman."

Rachel hears the door open and close once again and it's silent. She cleans up quickly and puts on the new shirt.

She quietly makes her way back to Lauren and thanks her again for her help. "I don't know if I should go to class. I think…I think I might just go home."

Lauren raises her eyebrow at her. "You sure you'll be ok?"

Rachel scowls, figuring that Puck told her to not leave her alone or something. "Yes. Yes I'll be fine. I'll even text Noah since it's probably him so worried about me. Thank you again Lauren I really appreciate your help. There aren't that many nice people left in this place."

She exits the locker room and makes her way to her locker to get her backpack. While putting her wet clothes into the bag she feels a presence next to her and looks up to see Puck.

"You alright?" he asks.

She nods. "Yes I'll be fine. I think I'm just going to go home though."

His face is immediately concerned. "You sure about that? Do you need a ride?"

"I'm not a child Noah!" she cries exasperated. "I've been doing much better! Dr. Damon says my progress so far has been really great. I've been realizing so much about myself and my relationships. So I don't need you to treat me like a child Noah I'm not going to go home and try and kill myself again or something!"

He stares at her for a minute before cracking a smile and chuckling to himself. "There's the Rachel Berry we all know. Look I don't want to babysit you or whatever because I'm  _not_  a babysitter. You wanna get out of here though? This place blows today. I need to go before I try and beat up Azimio more than I already have."

She thinks for a moment that going home is really just going to result in boredom so she would rather do something productive or fun. Plus this will give her the opportunity to actually apologize to Puck. She does owe him that.

"Sure…let's just get out of here," she says smiling at him.

* * *

They end up having ice cream and milkshakes at the diner a couple blocks away at the high school because Puck convinces her that she needs to "lighten up and get some dairy in her system." He's probably right and she can afford to eat ice cream. It's not like she's been maintaining her old regimen and vegan diet lately.

He gets a hot fudge sundae while she gets a chocolate milkshake and they sit contentedly in silence enjoying their treats. She feels a little like a normal teenager at that moment, sitting with a friend at a diner because they skipped class. It's a nice, normal feeling.

She decides to break the silence at one point, because there's really something she has to and should say to Puck.

"Hey Noah I just wanted to say…I'm sorry for that one day. When we fought. I shouldn't have said those things. Nothing that happened to me is your fault. It has nothing to do with you. You just…you've been very nice to me when no one else has been and I really appreciate that. You're just…so honest and sometimes I couldn't handle that because I didn't want to see the truth in some things. But you're very right…and I shouldn't punish you for being right."

He stared at her for what seemed like a minute and she shifted uncomfortably under the weight of his gaze. While she knew Puck understood her on some levels, it didn't mean that she felt foreign in this situation. She had never really had this serious of a conversation with him.

"It's ok Rach. You're um…under a lot of stress. I'm just sorry I added to it and-"

"No!" she exclaims while reaching out for his hand. "You didn't I promise. You know I'm just not myself. But I'm getting better and I realize what you were trying to do and I thank you for that. You're the only one at this school that cares in any way Noah and that means something."

He gives her a small smile and nods. "Apology accepted."

She gives him one of her signature Rachel Berry smiles and for once it doesn't feel plastered on.

Puck settles into his seat more and cocks his head while staring at Rachel. "So how are you…really? No bull shit."

She sighs. "Better. I'm understanding some things more. And…you're probably right about Finn. He hasn't made an effort to talk to me this entire month and I know I told him I wasn't allowed to talk to him but…don't you think if he really cared about me he'd do something…more? It's just…it's so hard with him. And it doesn't have to be. It shouldn't make me feel this bad to be with him. To try and change myself. I knew who I was before all this Noah. Even when you and everyone else in this school threw slushie facials I knew who I was and I knew who I wanted to be. I don't know why a boy changed that."

"Because you thought you loved him…or you did. It was part of the fantasy. School loser meets popular quarterback and they fall in love against all odds. Sounds perfect and shit right? It would be if Finn had a backbone but he doesn't. He was my boy for years and I knew that."

"Yeah well…I guess I'll have to actually talk to him sometime. Dr. Damon says I'm doing so well that he might lift the ban on talking to certain people soon so…"

Her voice dies down and the two of them continue eating their ice creams in silence. Their gazes shift around the diner, noticing the various patrons in there. When Rachel looks back at Puck she notices that he's itching to say something. She raises her eyebrow at him in a sort of challenge. He sighs.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Do you ever…do you ever hear from Shelby? At all?"

Her body stiffens at this question. "No…I haven't talked to Shelby since Regionals. I didn't hear from her after my suicide attempt either. She might not even know about it. Why?"

He shifts in his seat uncomfortably. "I'm just wondering. You know…because of Beth. Thought you might know how she is."

While she's annoyed that he asked her about Shelly, his concern about the daughter he gave away replaces that.

"No I don't," she starts softly. "I'm sorry Noah."

"It's ok. I was just wondering it's no big deal. Sucks you never hear from Shelby though. Shits not right. Dismissing the kid you made n all. I know how that feels."

He does know. She forgets sometimes how alike she and Noah are.

"How do you deal with that Noah? How do you deal with the fact that someone who is supposed to love you or…someone who made you doesn't even want you? Doesn't want to know you?"

He looks down at his sundae, swirling the now melted ice cream around with his spoon.

"It sucks. It sucks because they have to care about you and stuff but they don't. And you think it's something about you. You did something wrong or something….but you didn't. I didn't. My sister didn't. My little sister was too young to piss anyone off but my old man still left. Thing is he abandoned us long before he was actually gone. He went off to be rocker with his band and when he was home he was too drunk to care about me being excited to learn my abc's or whatever that shit was. But my mom did whatever she could. She did everything for us. And your dads do everything for you Rachel. Shit you should've seen how hard they hugged me when they got to the hospital and found out I saved you. I'd kill to have one dad let alone two. I guess you have to realize that the people in your life do love you for a reason. Our parents don't have to love us you know…my mom could have abandoned me and Sarah too…but she didn't. Your dads didn't have to have you…but they did."

She nods. He's right…sometimes she feels selfish for wanting Shelby's approval so badly when she has two loving parents that would do anything for her and support her in everything she does. They're so patient with her even now.

"You're right. You are. But with Shelby it's just…she looked so much  _like_ me. I always felt that I was…strange and weird for who I was but to find someone that not only looked like me but had the same kind of personality…and then for her to reject me? It's jarring Noah. I felt like it said so much. And then she replaces me with a baby. I didn't understand…she didn't have to be my mom necessarily. I just needed a friend. Someone to understand-"

"Hey! You don't  _need_ Shelby. You never did. You became who you were without her and that Rachel Berry was awesome even if I never said it. She didn't care what anyone else thought and she didn't change herself even when I threw a slushee in her face everyday. You can't say that much for anyone else in that fucking school. Everyone else would do whatever they could to be top of the food chain and sell anyone out to do it. You didn't. You had the chances to do it but you never did. Instead you did what you wanted and that was glee club and sing even though everyone thought you were a loser for that. Shelby didn't do that for you and neither did Finn. You don't need them Rachel. And they sure as hell don't deserve you. Besides…you have a friend now. I'm your friend. And I can be a fucking awesome friend," he finishes while giving her a wide smirk.

She chuckles to herself because 1. She's interested in seeing Puck actually be a good friend and 2. These are the most words she's ever heard come out of his mouth. It's kind of refreshing because when Puck talks sometimes he does have intelligent things to say…at least to her.

"Thank you Puck. You're…you're right. I guess I just didn't consider myself to be a good person before her. And I'm glad you consider me your friend…I guess you're mine too?"

He scoffs. "Fuck right I'm your friend midget."

"Hey! I'm not a midget thank you…I'm petite!"

* * *

Rachel walks into Dr. Damon's office a couple days later with a plate of brownies and a smile on her face. She feels better than she has in a very long time. For once she wasn't forced to eat lunch outside or in a bathroom stall in an effort to escape human interaction. Instead she ate lunch with Puck and Lauren Zizes.

They sat off to the side of the cafeteria and even she will admit that they made an odd trio, but it was certainly entertaining. Lauren and Puck had a rapport that was comfortable but also very witty. She figures that developed during Lauren's time in glee club. Noah also loved the story of how Rachel and Lauren bugged the choir room. "Fucking badass girls I hang out with," he murmured after they finished.

Azimio didn't bother her and neither did any of the football players. In fact he had a huge black eye and a swollen lip when she saw him at school the day after the slushie incident. While she doesn't usually condone violence she feels a certain sense of satisfaction when she sees his face.

She sits down on her usual armchair and gets comfortable, waiting for Dr. Damon to finish whatever he's doing.

When he comes to sit down across from her they smile at each other and say hello.

"How are you this week Rachel? Anything new?" he asks.

She sighs. "Oh you know nothing out of the ordinary. I sang a song in the auditorium, found that great brownie recipe, Noah and I are friends again, and Igotslushied."

His eyes burrowed in confusion. "I'm sorry what? You got slushied?"

"Um…yes…a couple days ago."

"What…what does getting slushied mean?" she had never seen Dr. Damon so confused. It was almost entertaining.

"It's when someone throws a slushee in your face. You know…like the slushees from 7-11," she replies quietly.

His eyebrows furrow even more. "That's what you kids do these days? Seriously? That's cruel."

She nods. "Yes well..I'm pretty used to them. I was walking down the hall the other day when one of the football players did it. It was pretty embarrassing. But a girl from the glee club helped me out…Lauren Zizes. She was very new when I left but she has always been pretty nice to me."

"Wait you're used to them? Does this happen often?"

"Well…yes they did. A lot more before I joined glee club and when I first started but then they stopped. They used to happen almost everyday."

Dr. Damon shifts in his seat. He looks concerned. "Rachel…what other kinds of bullying do you or did you experience? I want you to be honest with me."

"Well…I've had pornographic pictures drawn of me on the bathroom stalls. Um…I got called names a lot by the popular kids. Man hands…hobbit…treasure trail. There were others. But the slushees were the most consistent. And whenever I posted videos on MySpace of me singing they got a lot of cruel comments."

"So would you consider this bullying…extreme?"

She hesitates to answer that. On some level she doesn't really know. "I don't…I don't know."

Dr. Damon doesn't say anything for the next few minutes and he looks contemplative. In fact this is the most serious she has ever seen him before. "Rachel," he finally says, "did you drive here yourself today? Or did your dads bring you?"

She shakes her head. "My dads dropped me off. They wanted us to go to dinner after my session."

"Good. Ok. I want you to call them and tell them to come in when they get here. We all need to talk."

She's thoroughly confused. Her dads never have to come in for her sessions. "Why Dr. Damon?"

"Because your school situation needs to be seriously evaluated," he says sternly. "I question the value of a school that lets a student get bullied that much. I question it  _greatly._ "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song used in this chapter is called Faking My Own Suicide by Relient K. While most of the song isn't as relevant to the situation as I would like, I was too in love with that verse to let it go.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A decision is made when the severity of Rachel's situation becomes clear.

When Rachel walks into school the next day she immediately searches out for Puck. She walks by her locker first to make sure he's not there waiting for her but no one is there. Walking quickly through the halls, she finally finds him at his own locker talking to Artie. She walks up behind him and taps him on the shoulder. He turns around to see her and smiles while Artie looks around him and gives her a smile of his own as well.

"Rachel! I haven't seen you in awhile", Artie says.

"Yeah I know sorry. I've been busy," she says quickly. "Noah I need to talk to you for a sec…alone."

Puck looks at her face and knows she's pretty serious. He closes his locker and tells Artie he'll catch him later. Rachel grabs him and pulls him along the halls until they find an empty classroom. When they get in she closes the door and finally lets go of him.

"Geeze woman if you wanted a minute alone with the puckerone you didn't have to try so hard…just say so."

"Puck shut up. I have to tell you something."

He closes his mouth and looks at her worried face. "What?"

"I'm leaving."

"What do you mean you're leaving?"

"I'm leaving McKinley. I'm transferring."

"Well where are you transferring to?"

"This school about a half hour from here. Dr. Damon says they have a really great performing arts program, people are very nice, he knows the school counselor very well, and bullying really isn't tolerated."

"Why does your doctor want you to leave?"

"He doesn't think this place is healthy for me anymore."

"Well…when did this happen?" he asks exasperated. "I mean I know the slushee sucked yesterday Rachel but you can't let them win and drive you out of here. It's bullshit!"

"I know but…I can't do this anymore Noah. I'm tired of fighting for something I'm never going to get here. Acceptance. I don't belong here Noah. I just don't. So today is my last day."

With that she gave him one last look and left him alone in the room.

* * *

_When her dads walk into Dr. Damon's office their faces are frantic and worried._

" _Is everything alright doctor?" her dad asked. "I mean you've never called us into a session before."_

" _Well," Dr. Damon starts, "that was before I figured out one of the main causes of your daughter's depression and suicidal tendencies. We all need to figure out some things. Sit down please."_

_Her dads sit on the loveseat that is close to the armchair that Rachel is sitting in. She's not even looking at them at this point…mostly because she hoped they would never have to find out about all of this._

" _Rachel…how about you tell your dads about what happened to you today."_

_She looks up at him surprised that she has to do this and pleads no with her eyes. But he won't relent. She sighs and looks at her dads who are more confused than anything._

" _I got slushied," she whispers._

_Her daddy raises his eyebrow. "And what pray tell is that?"_

" _It's when someone throws a slushee in your face. You know…like the slushees from 7-11."_

_Her daddy is still confused. "Why on earth would that happen? I don't understand."_

" _Rachel why don't you tell them how long this has been happening." Dr. Damon tells her._

" _This isn't the first time?" her dad interjects angrily._

_She sighs. "No. This has been happening since the middle of freshman year. It stopped at various times and it hadn't happened for a long time before today's incident. But no this isn't the first time dad."_

_Her fathers are stunned at this piece of information._

" _So you're not aware of any of the bullying that Rachel has been enduring at McKinley?" Dr. Damon asks._

_They both shake their heads. They all look to Rachel._

" _Tell them the rest that you told me Rachel. They need to know."_

_She really does not want to do this. She thought she could spare her parents the stress of having to know about what happens at school. It's not that they're oblivious or neglect her-they don't. But she's an actress and a seasoned veteran of hiding things from her parents. They usually weren't home when she got back from school so it was always easy to explain her change of clothes. It wasn't hard to explain why she never had friends over. They didn't have to know about how much of a loser she was at that school. Not because of disappointment-her fathers would never feel disappointed about something like that._

_It was the guilt._

_Lima is a small town and while most people are pretty accepting of her fathers and their lifestyle there is the occasional person who goes and ruins that point of view. They would feel like it's their fault that she's bullied…that this is their punishment for putting her through this. They just want a normal life for all of them._

_It's just that she's not really normal._

" _Well...people call me names. Lots of names. Manhands, RuPaul, and hobbit seem to be favorites. They also draw pictures of me on the bathroom stalls that aren't very appealing…they're quite graphic actually." She doesn't look at them while she says any of this._

_The room is quiet for a few minutes with Dr. Damon looking between the three members of the Berry family. He sighs finally and sits up in his chair._

" _I haven't been one to tell Rachel my opinions on anything she has told me in our sessions. I've never thought it was necessary. You raised a very smart daughter who is capable of making her own decisions but she just needs someone to prod her along. I was very fine being in that role. Now this is the only time I'm going to actually tell you all what I think in any capacity. You need to get your daughter out of that school sooner rather than later. She has gone too long thinking that this treatment by her peers is in any way acceptable or normal. And it's not. It's bullying. They're bullying her. In fact I'm surprised Rachel didn't try to commit suicide sooner. From what I've gathered no one in that school has been willing to stand up for her except maybe 1 or 2 people. And because of this it has become acceptable for other people to treat her as less than she is, including the glee club she was a part of. And the best way for Rachel to get better is to remove her from toxic environments and people. Before that was not allowing her back into glee club or talking to that Finn guy but I see now that the problem is her school. And she needs to get out of there."_

_Her fathers are stunned not only by what the doctor is saying but how many words he's using. They clearly haven't had many conversations with Dr. Damon._

" _Wh-what if…we just talked to Principal Figgins? Talk to the kids that are troubling her…" her dad wonders to himself out loud._

" _We'd have to talk to half the school dad," Rachel mumbles._

" _It's more than that Mr. Berry. While talking to the higher authorities might decrease the bullying it's not going to take away the animosity that Rachel feels there. If Rachel felt that she was in a safe environment to learn and be herself she wouldn't have felt the need to commit suicide in the first place. Stopping the bullying problem doesn't solve the fact that these kids just don't like your daughter. They still won't be her friend. And more than anything your daughter doesn't deserve to feel lonely at a time like this…she'll never get better if that's the case."_

_Her fathers are pretty silent and thinking to themselves at this point. She feels a little bad that they're springing all of this on them and expecting them to process everything. It's a lot to think about, but after talking more with Dr. Damon she sees what he's saying._

_She hates being at McKinley everyday. She really does._

_And besides what does she have keeping her there? Finn is obviously satisfied in many ways with his relationship with Santana and the rest of the glee club doesn't care that much whether she's around or not. Mr. Schuester hates her and even if she joined the club again that wouldn't change. She would still have a hard time._

_But then there's Puck. He has been especially good to her for the longest time and even though she hasn't always appreciated it she does now. He does for her what no one else in McKinley does._

_And he saved her life. Apparently he cared enough about her life to follow her from school and make sure she didn't die._

_But even if she left McKinley it didn't mean she had to leave Puck necessarily. They could still be friends of course._

_It was decided then-for her anyway. It was time to get out McKinley._

" _Rachel why don't you tell your fathers about the school I told you about."_

" _Well..Dr. Damon says it has a really great performing arts program. Better than McKinley since the only thing we have there is glee club really. And he knows the guidance counselor personally and she'll really help me a lot with getting adjusted. Plus bullying isn't tolerated there. That's a plus right? But it's a half hour away which isn't too bad compared to other options. I could start driving myself to school every day again. So what do you think?"_

_Her fathers look at each other and look at her._

" _Well…as long as you want to do this Rachel. I just don't want you to feel pressured. I'm just worried that transferring this late in the year would be more of a stress-"_

" _But it won't daddy! It won't. We need to do this. I can't stay at McKinley anymore…Dr. Damon is right."_

" _Ok. Ok…we'll start the process and get you transferred immediately," her dad finally relents._

__

* * *

 

It feels slightly surreal to go to all of her classes and hand them the sheet releasing her from their class. All of them feign sadness or surprise to see her go, but she honestly can't be bothered to even think about it.

She skips Spanish.

Even though she doesn't like Mr. Schuester she doesn't know how to tell him she's just leaving. She figures she might as well catch him later. Instead she goes to see if she can find Puck.

She wanders around the school, avoiding hall monitors and Coach Sylvester and checks a few places she would think to find him. But she can't. Feeling a little defeated she goes to the auditorium until the period is over.

As usual when she walks in the place is pretty dark, but the only light is coming from the stage. She sees Pucks sitting on the piano bench softly strumming his guitar and singing and as she gets closer to the stage she can hear the lyrics he's singing faintly.

_And we're standing on top of our hopes and fears_

_And we're fighting for words now concrete girl_

_And we're swimming around again, again_

_And we're swimming around now_

_Concrete girl_

_Concrete girl don't fall down in this broken world around you_

_Concrete girl don't fall down_

_Don't fall down my concrete girl_

She smiles a little at the gruff nature of his voice. She wishes she heard Puck sing more than he actually does-he should be displaying his talent more in New Directions. He shouldn't have to have the opportunity to sing when he's trying to prove a point to some girl. He should be able to sing because he has something to offer everyone with his voice.

She walks up the stage and clears her throat to make her presence known. He looks up at her and scowls a bit at first but softens his gaze.

"You still leaving?" he asks, not even looking at her.

"Are you still mad at me?" she counters back.

"That's not even an answer to the question!" he exclaims.

"Yes Noah I'm still leaving…all the paperwork is getting signed and everything."

He doesn't say anything and continues to lightly strum at his guitar. She really can't understand what he's so mad about.

"I just thought…I just thought we were friends now you know? And now you're leaving all of a sudden and it sucks." He shrugs.

Her heart warms a little bit at the sentiment.

"You're going to miss me," she says with realization.

He scoffs. "Whatever no I'm not."

"Yes you are!" she laughs. "It's ok that you're going to miss me. I'll miss you too. You've been so good to me around here."

He nods and smiles sheepishly. "Yeah well…you don't deserve any of the crap you get. You're kind of cool Rachel. Sure you do annoying things but like…Finn does annoying things all the time but he was my best bro for years. The annoying stuff just makes you human. If you didn't have that you'd be perfect or something and that would just be exhausting."

She just smiles wider and walks closer to him so she can sit next to him on the piano bench.

"You know we can still be friends right? I'm still going to be in the neighborhood and there's texting and phone calls. Plus what if the people at this new school don't like me?"

"It's kind of impossible to get it worse than you did here Berry so I'm sure you'll be fine. But yeah…I guess we'll still see each other. It just sucks you won't be around here anymore…not that this place deserves you."

They sit there in silence for a few minutes until Puck decides to strum his guitar more. Rachel turns around on the bench to face the piano and screws around with a few notes. They sit there and play for a few minutes until the bell rings.

Puck moves to put his guitar back in the case. "So are you gonna tell Schuester and the glee club you're officially out?"

She flinches at this question. "Do I have to? I forgot about that."

"Well yeah…you  _have_  to tell them to basically fuck off and you're better than them and getting out of here."

"But how am I supposed to do that Noah I don't get it?"

"How else does Rachel Berry tell people how she feels…music."

Her smile widens at this realization. "You're kind of brilliant Noah do people tell you that?"

He just smirks and shrugs. "People can't handle my badassness. You got a song in mind?"

She thinks to herself for a few minutes and it's like a lightbulb goes off in her head. "Actually I do! Do you have to be in class? You can help me with it!"

"Do I ever have to be in class? Fuck no I'd pick helping you over that any day let's do this!"

They spend the remaining periods of the day going over the logistics of the song and even getting ahold of some of the band members to help them out at some parts. Rachel feels back in her natural habitat, laughing at fumbled notes and the euphoria of nailing a verse. She can't wait to sing this and finally tell everyone in that room how she feels about how they've treated her all this time. And then she'll be gone and never have to deal with any of them ever again.

* * *

As the two of them walk down the hall towards the choir room, Rachel becomes more and more nervous. Her palms are sweating, her footsteps are heavier, and her face is slowly heating up. This might be one of the most important performances she has ever done. She's singing more than a song-she's telling 10 other people goodbye basically. It's so much more…it's like she's taking back her dignity.

Before she knows it they're outside the choir room and she stops, hesitating to walk in. Puck looks at her closely and recognizing the slight fear in her eyes. He takes her and squeezes it while giving her an easy going smile.

"Berry…it's ok. You'll knock em dead. It's kind of a weird song choice for you but…it's gonna be good. Just say what you need to say, sing your song, and we'll like go get pizza or some shit to celebrate. No worries."

She smiles back at him, slightly relieved that he has her back and reaches for the doorknob to open the door.

When they walk in the loud chatter and laughter that she hasn't been apart of for quite awhile immediately deafens and all eyes are on her. She looks at all the faces in the room and most of them are displaying shock. The silence is broken by Mr. Schue walking towards her and Noah.

"Rachel! It's so good to see you back in here! Are you back for good? If so that's great because we've really needed you. You and Puck should sit down, Finn and Santana were about to show us the duet they've been working on for Regionals."

His smile is so fake that it's pretty nauseating to keep being in this room. It's kind of funny how he immediately assumes she's back for him to use and prop in the back while her ex-boyfriend and his cheerio girlfriend make eyes and sing in circles around each other.

"No Mr. Schue I'm not coming back."

His eyebrows furrow in confusion. "Oh. Then uh…what's the purpose of the visit? Are you coming back anytime soon?"

"No." she says firmly. "I'm not coming back at all. I thought I should let you all know I'm leaving McKinley. Today was my last day and I'm transferring to another school."

Everyone's mouths hang open at Rachel's news and they look at each other collectively in confusion. But Mercedes body stiffens after a few moments and she speaks up.

"So you're leaving us? We kind of need you Rachel we have Regionals coming up. I mean we understood you being away with…what happened to you and all but now you're just up and leaving? That's kind of selfi-"

"Don't even finish that sentence," Rachel hisses. "Selfish? Are you kidding me? Where were all of you when I needed you? When I needed someone to see how miserable I was? When I wanted all of you to notice me so badly that I killed myself for it. Yeah. That's what happened. I tried to commit suicide. I swallowed a bottle of pills and went to lie down and die. But luckily Noah noticed and cared enough to follow me home from school after the mother who rejected me and the boy who broke my heart show up in my school without a care in the world, and made sure that didn't happen. He stayed at the hospital until I was awake and I come to find out none of you even came to see me. So where were you? Where were you when I was going through therapy, needed someone to sit with at lunch, or needed someone to help wipe the slushee off my face yesterday." At this point she looks towards Tina and Finn. "Oh that's right…you're not there. You're standing idly by and watching it happen and watching everyone laugh at me."

She walks closer into the room at this point until she's standing directly in front of all them.

"You don't need me. You need my voice and you need my body so you can say you have 12 people here but you don't need me. And you know what? I don't need you guys either. I used to think I would be nothing without all of you but I'm starting to realize that trying to live up to your expectations is part of what put me in a hospital bed. And that's why I can't be here any longer."

None of them are looking her in the eye, all looking in different directions with shame and guilt in their eyes. She looks towards Mr. Schue.

"I want to sing something for you all before I go. Consider it…a goodbye song."

Mr. Schue is entirely too shocked and perturbed to even say anything and just gives Rachel a curt nod. She looks to the band and signals them to play while Noah gets his guitar ready.

He was completely silent during her speech but the look he gives her before the music starts is so proud…and grateful.

The music starts and she lets herself sway to the beat, losing herself in the music and ah's that the band is singing. When her cue comes she begins to sing slowly, looking at all of her former teammates.

As she goes through the first verse she looks every single one of them in the eye but they avoid her gaze. When she comes to Artie though she gives him a grateful smile that indicates her lack of bitterness towards him. He sighs in relief and gives her a nod and smile. When she gets close to the chorus she looks at the rest of them again with unleashed anger in her eyes, and her voice carries and becomes stronger.

_You look down on me_

_Don't you look down on me now_

_You don't know me at all_

_A slap in the face_

_In the face for you now_

_Just might do now_

_I'm leaving so soon_

_Never had a chance to bloom_

_But you were so quick_

_To change your tune_

_Don't look back_

_If I'm a weight around your neck_

_Cos if you don't need me_

_I don't need you_

As she gets to the end she closes her eyes and let's the song drift off into silence. When she opens her eyes, the expressions on the faces of New Directions can't be described as…happy.

Except for Lauren and Artie. Lauren gives her a nod and a smirk while Artie discretely gives her a thumbs up.

None of them say a word, no reactions. She looks at all of them one more time but her gaze locks in on Finn for a moment.

Unlike the glare and confusion she's receiving from everyone else, the look in Finn's eye is…pleading.

She knows what he's asking of her.  _Stay for me…we need you. I need you._ It reminds her of when he manipulated her into joining the group again when April Rhodes took over the lead. She was naïve and stupid back then but…she kind of gets it now.

She's not really inclined to believe what Finn tells her at this point.

She just shakes her head at him and walks quickly over to the bag, pulling out a piece of paper. She walks over to Mr. Schue and hands it to him.

"I need you to sign this for me…to release me from your class."

Any pretenses of false adoration are gone from his face at this point now that he knows her true intentions. He's glaring at her and snatches the paper out of her hands harshly.

"You sure you want to do this Rachel?" he grits out.

"I'm more than sure Mr. Schuester. I can't stay here anymore," she says stonily.

He gives her a curt nod and takes a pen out of his pocket. He signs the paper quickly and hands it back without looking at her.

"Here…you're released."

She takes the paper and goes to get her bookbag while Puck stands at the door with his guitar case waiting for her. Once she has everything packed up she looks at New Directions one last time.

"Goodbye everyone. Good luck."

She and Puck leave the room in silence and close the door.

* * *

After Puck drops her off at home from eating pizza and goofing off she walks into the kitchen to find her dads finishing up their dinner. Her daddy sees her first and lights up at her presence.

"Hey hun! How was your last day?"

"It was um…interesting daddy. I'm glad to be out of there."

Her dad raises her eyebrow at her answer. "You absolutely sure honey? You're definitely set to leave and start at Liberty High tomorrow?"

She smiles reassuringly at him. "I'm positive dad. I need to do this. It's going to be a fresh start!"

Her dad nods while her daddy gets up to put their dishes in the sink. He then walks over to the freezer and gets out a pint of Ben and Jerrys.

"We got you some chocolate chip cookie dough….your favorite before you gave up dairy. I figured we could all eat some and play Monopoly for the rest of the night."

She laughs at the sentiment because this was one of their favorite things to do when she was younger.

They eat ice cream and argue jokingly over properties, hotels, and community chance cards all night. She has no worries in her heart for once.

* * *

She's sitting in her car, staring at the front entrance of the school and all the teenagers standing in their respective groups talking and laughing.

She doesn't know if she regrets this decision now or not.

She feels her phone vibrate in her hand and looks to see a text message from Puck.

_If this ends up being lame and you need to bail, text me and I'll meet you halfway or whatever. We'll hang._

_Thanks. But you shouldn't have to skip class for me!_

_Psh whatever. I'd rather hang with you than be in this stupid fucking school you should know this by now._

_But you're education is important Noah._

_It'd be easier if you were still here but…you're not. Which is ok or whatever but hey you're the new kid. Who knows what will happen. So if it gets lame let me know and we'll make an escape plan._

… _do you think they'll like me Noah?_

_I think they'd be stupid not to like your crazy ass._

She laughs and wipes the lone tear coming down her cheek. With renewed confidence she takes a deep breath, squares up her shoulders and get out of the car.

She walks past many students, who look at her with some confusion but mostly friendly looks on their face and finds the main office. She gets her schedule, locker, and combination from the secretary, a lovely old woman named Mrs. Beatty who seems to be the sweetest woman Rachels ever met.

"Well dear you have everything you need here. We also got you a guide for the day to make sure your day gets on well. So I do hope you have a smooth first day dear. I think that's your guide coming in now."

Rachel turns around to see a tall girl with short red hair walk into the office. She's slightly built, but the yellow top and jeans she's wearing hide that a little bit. She has small and cute nose that Rachel is already kind of jealous of, and sparkling green eyes. But most of all she has a nice smile.

"Hi there!" she exclaims brightly. "I'm Joanna you must be Rachel. Welcome to Liberty! Did you get your locker and first class? I'm sure you have a lot of the same classes as me since they picked me as your guide but I just wanted to make sure and I'm sorry I'm talking so much and so fast it's a habit of mine and it's kind of enhanced when I have coffee in the morning which I did because I was up late doing homework and got caught up listening to John Legend's newest album do you like him?"

Rachel just stares at her with wide eyes.

"Um…uh…I've heard a couple of his songs. I don't listen to much R&B but um…I take it you like music?"

Joanna nods enthusiastically. "I love music! I'm in our choir here at Liberty it's really fun. You should join if you can sing!"

Rachel just nods and follows the girl as she walks out of the office. She perks up a little bit when Joanna mentions that she also likes to listen to musicals, rock, and pop and that Rent is one of her favorite musicals. They trade opinions on some of the songs from the musical as they walk down the hall to Rachel's locker.

And as Rachel gets her locker set up while Joanna goes on about the merits of Nickleback that no one ever thinks about, she smiles at the feeling that she's actually going to be okay here.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The songs used in this chapter are Concrete Girl by Switchfoot and Leaving so soon by Keane. The original lyrics for the Keane song say You're leaving so soon but I tweaked them for my purposes.


End file.
